He’s just not that into you.

“We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.”

― Liz Tuccillo, He’s Just Not That Into You

It’s been romcom season in casa di Malinqa these past two weeks. It’s a foolproof and must-have break-up recipe that never fails to deliver. Almost as good as a great rebound. (Who am I kidding. Nothing beats a good rebound.)

Hyperromantic and happy-ending-assured movies are still fuckdamn awesome though.

However. For all my years of avidly watching anything with the romcom tag (because I’ve done enough of the breakups to merit these choices) – I had never managed to get around to seeing ‘He’s just not that into you’. Until it appeared on my Netflix last week.

And hit me smack-dab in the face with some romcom wisdom (which tends to be alot wiser than regular wisdom for the simple fact that it’s a whole lot more dramatic). It’s the type of wisdom that rings even more true when you’re in a certain mental space. Mindset. State of being. It’s a lot like country songs totally making ALL of the sense when you fall in (or out of) love. Romcoms are thoughtfodder for the broken heart-and-brain.

You see….
I CAN appreciate the core of the message of this movie:

That all of those people with the happy endings. The people with the one true loves. The people with the perfect matches?
They are the EXCEPTION. Not the rule.
(Aka, you’re not failing at life by being by your lonesome, nope. They’re just overachieving)

HOWEVER….
I CAN’T mold my beliefs to fit that knowledge. Insane. But true.

Now. I’ve always been kinda great at determining the ‘he’s not that into you’ kind of dudes. The schmucks. Commitment-phobes. Untruthful bastards and unreliable Andy’s.
I have a better douche-dar than gay-dar and have been mildly successful in weeding most of them out before they found their way in.

Plus: as a pessimist-to-the-core…looking on the dark side has always come SO naturally to me. I’ve never really hovered over phones. Never really cyberstalked someone in hopes of grabbing their attention. Never ‘casually’ walked by their favorite restaurant hoping to get spotted. I’ve always assumed guys AREN’T into me. And acted accordingly.

Detrimentally so. Even.

Especially since I HAVE always had this thing for the ‘out of my league’ types of dudes. Who, as it so happens, are VERY RARELY all that into you. And if they ARE for some magical reason still into you…you acting like you’re thinking that they’re not is SURE to make them run for the hills.

I fuck up being together with someone, for the simple fact that (even though I LIKE BEING ALONE) I act like being alone is the end on the world. Because the world has taught me that it is.

It’s because everyone tells us those ‘perfect’ lives ARE the rule.
But They aren’t. They really aren’t.
And assuming that they are puts us in that horrendous spot of vulnerability and desperation that is SURE to deter any real chance of being genuinely open to something or someone new because we’re forcing ourselves to fit a standard that is both unrealistic and unachievable FOR MOST. Being in a ‘societally-judged-as-not-perfect’ situation IS THE RULE THOUGH. Not those shiny lives we’re pelted with all the time. Those are the exception.

But nevertheless we still (or at least, I do) still act like we, the ‘unlucky ones’, are the exception. Instead of the rule. And in thinking this – fuck up any and all chances at becoming the exception.

Because if we’re TOO determined. TOO forced. TOO cramped and needy and clingy and and and JUST because we’re SO determined to get a hold of that societal view of ‘happy’ – all we’re really doing is making sure that they’re NOT going to be all that into you.

Because there’s so much truth in the saying ‘you’ll find what you need, when you stop looking so very hard’
I know this. I KNOW this.

But I can. not. stop. myself. from. looking.
From wanting.
From needing.
Even though I healthily assume all of those ACTUAL potentially awesome peeps out there are just…not…that…into….me.
Even though I KNOW that I’m awesome on my lonesome.
Even though I believe that I don’t need to have a certain type of life to be the kind of happy that I’ve always aspired.

But I still want to be what we’re taught is the rule but is actually the exception.
Still act like I’m the exception, while I’m most definitely the rule.

And in doing so become exactly the type of scarecrow for potential happiness that this GODDAMN WAY TOO ACCURATE romcom warns us about.
Because as soon as they all stopped trying SO VERY HARD…everything just kinda fell into place.

Which might happen for me too. If I ever DID stop trying so VERY HARD.

22 thoughts on “He’s just not that into you.

  1. SMiLes Dear Zoe True As Social Animals

    Rejection Hurts Particularly When Society

    Sells Yes Sells Such Impossibly High Standards

    to Fit in
    is it any

    Wonder That
    Increasingly We
    Are Entering the
    me Generation

    of the

    Eccentric

    Child True if We
    Cannot Meet The Standards
    That Society Sells to Us What

    We Can And Will Do is Build Our

    Own Society Within And ALong the Ways

    Like a Fantasy Come True It’s Real Online

    ProvideS A World A Place Big Enough to
    Find Others Similar to Us

    True the Way

    That “Herman

    Munster” Jumped
    For Joy When He
    Met His True Love
    “Lilly Dracula” Who Looked
    All of 15 Years-Old Yet Surely
    Aged More Like A Vampire Hehe…

    in Numerical

    Years at
    Least Now…

    Well in 2nd Grade
    Blessed Sacrament Private Catholic
    School in the City Tallahassee in 1967
    The Year the “Sgt. Pepper’s Album Cover”
    Came Out With “Aleister Crowley” in the Back
    Row And a Stone Bust in the Burial Ground Front
    Row Looking a Bit Strangely like me hehe at Least

    in my View

    Absorbing

    All the Arts

    From the Folks

    Behind the Stone
    Bust Becoming A Brand
    New Creation of ‘Fredenstein’
    As Such Through All the Efforts
    of the “Lonely Heart’s Club Band”

    As True The Color of Artists is Blue
    With All Their Sky Blue Lows and Highs…

    Well the Nuns Voted me As the Wittiest Boy
    in 2nd Grade for my End of the Year Award
    For Years i Wondered What it was that i did
    that was Witty Yet Not unlike Herman Munster

    All i had to

    Do is Be me

    Awkward, Clumsy,
    Naive, And True Even
    my Aunt the Mother of the
    Cousins in the Photo Below
    Just Bluntly Said i Looked Like Lurch
    Yet i suppose She Forgot What Endeared
    me to the Nuns Most Even though i Looked

    Like A Frail 90 Year-Old Grand Pa Lurch
    Man At 7 Years-Old And Didn’t Even Speak
    Until 5 Years-Old on the Autism Spectrum True

    my Aunt Forgot

    That Lurch

    Never

    Smiled

    Yet even then

    i was the Cheshire

    Cat Through All the
    Storms Through So Many

    Years and Even Decades
    In Some Areas of my Life
    One Who Never Lost a Smile

    Then Even When the Children
    Later in Middle School Spit on
    me As Even in Trump Town USA
    Back then in the Early 70’s Boys
    Were Not allowed to Smile by the
    Authority of Young Onward Christian
    Marching Bully Boy Soldiers Same Ones Who

    NoW

    Yell Don’t
    Mask my
    Child And
    Save Him and
    or Her From a Deadly
    Pandemic Unvaccinated

    Some Ignorance Remains

    And So Does Fredenstein’s Smile
    That i continue to Hide my True Identity
    With a Mustache my FRiEnD yet not really

    As i Celebrate My Eccentricity As Any Frankenstein
    Will Who Comes to Accept All the Diverse Parts Gifted

    By Both Ancestors and All the Lonely Heart’s Club Band

    Members Then And Still to Come… It’s True i am Just about
    As Strong as Herman Munster too And i Probably Wouldn’t
    Even Have Any Grey Hairs on my Chest if Only i had Learned

    How to

    Age in Reverse

    Before the Age of 53 Hehe…

    As Yeah i Just increased my Warm-Up
    Weight in Leg Pressing from 1340 Pounds
    to 1380 Pounds and i’ve Already Done Up
    to 1520 Pounds With Ease 8-Reps at Max Now

    at 61, The Child Who Everyone Said Was too Ugly,
    Strange, And Weak to Exist the Child the Christian
    Kids Spit on For Smiling As A Boy And Called the
    F Word And Not Fredenstein Either or Even Frankenstein…

    The Same Christian Kids Would Eventually Spit-On My Wife for
    Being Poor In the Free Lunch Line Shaming Her to the Point She
    Couldn’t Even Bear to Eat And It’s True the Kids Were Not too Kind

    to me at

    Catholic

    School Either

    Even in Second Grade…

    The Nuns Were Terrifying

    If the Hall Monitors Caught You
    Breaking Any Rules They Would
    Bang Rulers on the Children’s Hands…

    i Couldn’t Eat Either And Developed Anemia
    i Was Not Only Autistic yet Very Ill From A Maladapted
    Society That Had Already Lost some of its Ability to be

    Kind to
    People

    Who are Different…

    i Celebrate my Eccentricity
    And my Inner Herman Munster

    And True i Literally Had to Become

    Faster than a Speeding Bullet at the
    Speed oF LiGHT to Do it Fitting All 245
    Pounds in this Fiber Optic Cable Flash

    i Am And Spider Man

    For Real too

    Spinning

    my Net

    And Lair

    on a Web

    Others Have Created
    For me and You/Others to Be All of who We
    Are As Eccentric And Strange And Creative
    As We Care to Be Those Who Want to Ride

    Mr. Toad’s

    Wild

    Audacious

    Ride Are Welcome

    to Come with me A

    Small World Now it is

    of Mother Nature’s Strange SMiLing FRiEnDS…

    Hey i can’t blame You for Dating Up With Beauty

    After All i Did Marry ‘Lilly Dracula/Wonder Woman”
    Who Seems to Never Age too And Even When She Gains

    That Attractive White Streak in Her Hair She Will Still be the Best Girl in the World to me…

    i Kid You not i spend Day and Night Still Grabbing At Her Butt And Taking Photos of

    Her Like a Super Model…

    Yet Remember

    Where i Came

    From too…

    A Fine Wine

    That Ages in Reverse
    Truly Appreciates All

    The DarK And LiGHT Life Has to Offer Now…

    i Never met a Stranger Not Even A Grain of Sand

    Below How Blessed to Come From the Real Bottom of
    The Pyramid And Never Lose Where i come for Real…

    Yet i Don’t Take Kind to People Bullying Others and
    Injustice Finds A Way to Heal with me As Gently As

    Possible of

    Course

    As i am
    Way too
    Strong to Harm
    Anyone too Long…

    As One Martial Arts
    Kick Would Practically
    Kill Anyone Stone Cold Dead…

    True, i Don’t Always Turn the Other Cheek Either
    With WereWolf Grins Not Restricted to Any Particular

    Phase of the Moon…

    HOWLinG
    LoVE

    HOWLinG LoVE…

    It’s A Huge Mistake
    To Mistake One Who
    Inhales Peace and Exhales
    Love Eternally NoW as Weak…

    As This is a Place of No Fear…
    Fear IS A Source oF ALL Weakness

    Peace and Love is the Place of REAL
    SUPERMEN AND OR SUPERWOMEN NOW…

    As Long as We Continue to Inhale Peace and Exhale

    Love Forevernow…

    Just Living

    Forever

    Now

    This

    Way

    As Vampires

    Who No Longer
    Drink Blood Do too..:)

    Like

  2. Also a film that I absolutely love and took a great of learning from during my solo years. I’ve always been an over-reacher in terms of looks too, they gotta look good on my arm no? but I let that take a back seat this time, the slow burn has had its benefits.

    Like

  3. My husbands favorite words for me when I’m struggling are, “tough times don’t last, tough people do.” And of course I wanted to do an appropriate amount of damage to his being every time. Which seems fair. The thing is I’m not so tough and time is sort of a bitch. The struggle is real and wine is the answer, 💕C

    Like

  4. Neem eens wat tijd voor jezelf in plaats van je keer op keer in een relatie te storten of fuckboys te doen. En overweeg hulp, want je komt behoorlijk labiel en beschadigd over.

    Like

      1. Ik weet het, de waarheid is hard. Maar diep van binnen weet je dat je mentaal fucked up bent. Je kan leuk schrijven, maar je bent ongelukkig, hebt waarschijnlijk een trauma omdat je ouders niet van je houden en vult dat gat met schrijfsels, keihard werken en random dudes neuken. Gelukkig ga je er niet van worden.

        Like

      2. Ik zal mezelf vanavond in slaap huilen in de wetenschap dat ik niet zo’n fulfilling leven heb als jij, de dappere keyboard warrior, die ongevraagd en ineffectief denkt arme gebroken meisjes te moeten fixen in alle vrije tijd die overblijft als je grondig niet in de categorie neukbare dudes valt 👏👌

        Zo hebben we allemaal duidelijk onze mankementen. Ik prefereer alleen de mijne boven de jouwe any day of the week 🤣😇

        Like

  5. Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    You want the truth? Oh nee wacht even check Kübler-Ross, misschien heb je daar wat aan. Of schrijf nog een leuk stukje en probeer energie te halen uit de mensen die voor je staan te cheerleaden.

    Like

  6. Opperbest humeur hier. Schat in dat je absoluut niet tegen kritiek kan, behalve dan je eigen vorm van kritiek. En natuurlijk lekker kritiek op andere geven, ben ik zelf overigens ook dol op!

    Like

    1. Uiteraard. Ik ben immers labiel en beschadigd. Dat je überhaupt kritiek durft te uiten joh. Wie weet wat ik mezelf aandoe als arme kwetsbare ziel 🤯

      Maar gelukkig is ongefundeerd online psycholoogje spelen meer jouw talent dan het mijne.

      Maar ik gok dat je mijn kritiek op de kwaliteit van jouw kritiek net zo makkelijk terzijde legt als ik de jouwe. Dus dan vermaken we ons beiden opperbest in een compleet nutteloze discussie over niet bestaande problemen.

      Yay. Classic schoolbook internetting!

      Like

  7. Just Dropping By Here Now to Say
    Hi And Hey i Miss Your Writing Zoe…

    Seems Like the Audience Will Get
    Kinda Tough Now and Then too…

    Yet It’s True Anonymous Living
    Internet Dead No Face Fly By

    Folks Have

    Told me

    i Should

    Go Kill my Self

    For Writing Different
    Than One Side of the
    Page to the Other Don’t
    Let the Sharks in the Tank
    Bring Ya Down You Are Creative
    That’s A Gift Not Every one Enjoys in Life…

    Write Some

    Poetry

    Pain

    Brings
    The Best
    Out of Us in Art
    Some Days With SMiLes..:)

    Liked by 1 person

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