Cooking disaster

Do you KNOW how many seasons of Masterchef Australia (and New Zealand), Jamie Oliver, Ready Steady Cook and Chef’s Table I’ve watched in my life?
Let me give you a hint: it’s a serious lot.
I fucking love cooking shows. And seeing people create awesome food. And reading up on cooking techniques, and recipes and and and. I adore cooking as a skill, art and means of connecting. I do. I DO.

Yet I still find myself admitting (in pretty much every talk with every new potential) that I CAN’T cook.
What’s up with that?

Huh?

Huh?

HUH?

The easy answer is obvious: I can’t cook. Which is technically untrue, I suppose, but still very fitting to my situation I think. Because when all is said and done, you won’t find me in a kitchen out of my own volition.

I’ll cook to prevent myself from starving. I’ll cook to soothe my omnomnom cravings. I’ll cook if it’s societally expected or when my friends force me to (which is actually a lot more than you might expect). But when you ask me, honestly, if I can cook? I’ll say no.

There’s a difference to being able to prepare a meal, and actual cooking if you ask me. A world of difference, even. I can throw together ingredients to prepare something that’s easily edible (especially when provided with a recipe or instructions). But actually balancing tastes? Finding out the qualities in foods and bringing them forward? Combining elements into a food explosion and creating something that is more than the sum of its elements? No can do.

Plus – my fear of failing is INSANE when it comes to being in the kitchen.
There is NO part of me that enjoys cooking for people because they will be TASTING the results and judging me for them. And we live in a society where household skills are a huge contributor to female attractiveness still, regardless of all the career additions. The pressure is too much for me. I full on panic at the thought of having to. The thought of maybe fucking up. The thought of not being good enough (and that extends from cooking to the being a good hostess, as well).

I have deep trauma’s from the one time I made a spinach-and-salmon cream pasta and there were still grains of sand in there from the ‘washed’ spinach. I still cry about the one time I went through a LOT of effort to make a great stew and the receiver took one bite and spat it out because there were peas in it. Their number one hated item. I still stress about the time I hosted a dinnerparty for 6 others and the 12 different dishes (that I only slightly helped in preparing) needed to be served out at the same time. And god, don’t remind me of the barbecue I hosted last summer, only to realize I didn’t have enough forks in the house for all the guests so people were forced to eat DELICIOUS steaks with fucking spoons (no joke).

Add to that the fact that I have 0 patience – and all I am is a recipe for disaster.
The fact that I take no pleasure in cooking generally means that I cook to be out of the kitchen fastest. There’s no such thing as ‘simmer the pot’ in my vocabulary. Everything is done with the fire cranked up to the highest flameyness and burnt to a crisp within moments. Doughs that take hours to rise? Stews that take a day to pull in flavors? Dishes that go in the oven for hours on end and need to be constantly turned and basted? NOPE.
Plates that need delicacy to be plated? Hells no. I’m a prison cook. You’ll just get big spoonfulls of goop in my casa. If you’re lucky. I prefer digital cooking (yaknow, ordering in via the various apps, hahaha!) while watching actual proficients do it on tv.

But my fears are ever increasing…
What if the fact that I can’t cook is what’s stopping me from hooking that prince Charming?
What if I end up going to jail for mass-food-poisoning murder, wiping out an entire friendgroup?
What if people start using me as a cautionary tale for the degradation of women in this generation?

Damnit!
Maybe it’s time for a cooking class.

39 thoughts on “Cooking disaster

    1. Hahaha – I’m absolutely fine, I have no qualms in accepting all of my many flaws. These insecurities don’t weigh on my happiness as much as one might expect (except for when they flare up). And I’m just gonna stick to ordering in 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have always wondered if this idea of elevating the food flavours and layering food flavours was actually true. I love eating, but I don’t think of my palette as refined. Would I be able to taste this elevation?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well – I suppose you might go ‘this tastes special’ instead of actually discerning every layer (that’s how I feel about winetastings, at least).
      I can never say ‘oh yess, I taste the nutty aroma and the subtle hint on fruit and the age of the grape’, but I do recognize that it tastes a lot different to ‘normal’ wines.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not too good at cooking either, although people tell me I’m good at baking, especially cookies.

    By the way, you’re going to get a friend request on Pokemon Go in a minute from “gregjd76″… that’s me, but I’m probably not going to play on that game very often. I got a new phone yesterday, so I started a new game on the old phone and got it just to level 10, so I could battle myself. I always play alone, so the research tasks requiring one to battle someone always get me stuck. The old phone is not connected as an actual phone, though, so I can only play on the second account if I’m somewhere that has wifi. (I could switch back and forth between games on the new phone, but that’s kind of a bother.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you have to be passionate about cooking if you want to excel, if not than cook to survive. It’s like writing, I’m enthralled, I go to bed thinking about stories, words, phrasing. My friend is a cook and he dreams of spice combinations and roasting strategies? Do what you love! C

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Whatever it Takes
    To Survive Yes

    Eat, Dance
    Sing, Repeat

    Make It
    Expertise

    i Cook Oatmeal
    A Handful of

    Instances
    in 31 Years…

    Anniversary

    February 21st

    What Every

    Common

    Dog Understands

    Yes Dear Don’t

    Bite the

    Hand That

    Feeds Whoops
    Left Sex Off The

    List

    Yes Cooking
    Will Keep A

    Good

    Old

    Dude

    Satisfied

    If Ya Make

    Sure A Tummy

    IS Happy🍴

    Oh Yeah

    Never Leave

    Night Without

    At Least One Hug

    Thanks God Sweat
    Pants Sleepwear

    Is

    Springing
    Away So Sweet🦋

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lol, you are friggin HILARIOUS! I highly doubt the cooking is the reason Prince Charming hasn’t come, lol. Well, I’ll speak for myself. We sound so much alike in this area. I do not like to cook, but have found myself in the kitchen more because I want to eat. My husband can careless if I prepare a meal for him. He eats a basic salad and simple meat for lunch and dinner, and prepares himself the same bland breakfast seven days a week. He’s the better cook but does not want to spend time in the kitchen either. I’m not eating the same simple and bland food everyday, so I have to get in there for me and my youngest son.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why thank you mylady!
      (And yeah, I don’t think the cooking is the (sole) reason, either, but complaining helps with the frustration regardless).
      What the hell is up with men being able to eat the same damn thing every time. It freaks me out.
      Sure, I could eat McDonalds every day of the week, but I wouldn’t order the same thing every time!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. My only big stick is myself wanting to eat something different and delicious every day…😂 And mind you, there are definitely men out there who like to cook and are good at it… and love some praise!😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just buy all of the different and delicious things that don’t-need-to-be-prepared XD!
      And yes, I’ve noticed that these days a lot of men are actually quite adept at cooking. Which. is. fucking. great!
      (as long as they don’t hold my lack of skills against me)

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I also can’t cook, but I also hate cooking shows, so I have something to blame (I guess). This post is hilarious – I think I’m also a prison cook, you eat what you get! 🙂

    All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You aint in that alone..the only thing that never happened to me was the cooking for lots ..i mean your experiences..apart from all that..i relate to every bit of it..and damnit! I need to also go to a cooking class💯

    Like

  9. I really enjoyed reading.. And happy to find that some girl in some place on this planet loves cooking but can’t cook😅.. Like yaaaaaay hhhhhh.. Have a nice life God bless you.. All respect to your honesty 🌼💛🌼

    Like

  10. Wow Zoe I really hope your doing better after writing this article and I hope you start getting better at cooking since it’s one of your dreams to do anyway it was a good write

    Like

Leave a Reply to InsideMySlingBag Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: