Angry Beaver

‘Say Zoë….do you like, ever get angry?’
It was an unexpected question I got Tuesday, when a colleague just asked me this out of the blue. We’d just joined a meeting and exchanged the normal pleasantries and then BAM. There it was.
Now – my initial response was a very a-typical giggle, followed by a quick ‘no I don’t. Not really’.

The fact that I’ve spent the last 20 minutes cleaning up glass shards from my carpet and floor after VERY angrily kicking a side table that still contained two glasses and a bowl of M&M’s is proving kind of the opposite. Who knew. I get angry. Man. I get SO SO angry.

But there’s a distinction, as I discovered just this morning. Seriously. I DO get angry. A lot. Passionately. I think everyone in the world does. And I’m VERY good at holding grudges and I can keep the flame of hate burning for a long long time when I (feel like I) am wronged. Plus, a LOT of things have the power of getting to me. A lot of my emotions happen to translate to anger as well. I get sad – I get angry. I get hurt – I get angry. I get tired – I get angry. I get hungry – I get angry. I get insecure – I get angry. And then proceed to get angry at myself for being so easily swayed to anger. VICIOUS CYCLE!

But when my colleague asked me – I instantly translated ‘getting angry’ as ‘getting angry AT people’. And that – I don’t. I won’t yell at someone. I won’t throw things at them, or shatter plates (at least, I haven’t yet). I won’t get in heated discussions, make a scene or turn into flaming headed mister Anger from the Inside Out movie. None of those things.

I do however boil on the inside. I rage, and seethe and burn. I do very much get vindictive. And creative in exacting that revenge. I am the queen of the silent treatment and I am epically equipped with an insane fantasy to wreak havoc upon my unsuspecting victims. You won’t SEE me get angry though – and in that lies the true danger that is moi. You better be perceptive enough to notice my anger even when it’s not shown, just so you can prepare for the brunt of an attack that is definitely coming.

The thing is: anger sucks.
Not just because it’ll have you pick up pieces of glass and vacuuming extensively (all the while hoping you’re not going to be getting sharp slivers embedded in your foot the rest of the week) but because it EATS at you. Especially when you don’t show it outwardly. Especially when you’re so very stubborn in keeping all of the anger boiling at a constant simmer. You can’t get over things that way. They just rot your core until inevitably (and yes, that IS inevitable) you DO explode. And that ain’t pretty. Especially because all of that inner-worked-up anger might come as a total surprise to the unwitting receivers. Or the poor glasses on a side table.

It’s too late for them now though. And too late for me to be un-angry. So today is an angry day (fed purely by non-angry emotions that now cause anger, obviously, because that’s how it goes).
WOOSH – flamey anger head activated.

26 thoughts on “Angry Beaver

    1. I think most people-related anger happens when other people act dismissive or antagonistic about your experiences or what you’re trying to communicate. It’s definitely avoidable— it’s just that few people are empathetic/patient/selfless enough to co-operate in avoiding anger. At least that’s my experience.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I don’t know what the two glasses and the bowl of M&M’s did to you. Guessing another trigger shot the bullet. I’m working on some unresolved anger that I thought was resolved, that’s spilling into other areas, and ultimately sticking to me. I get you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Meh. Me and my Italian temper…

    I must say I do boil inside a lot more and longer than I lash out at others. Try raising family and report back. Or, try raising family *in lockdown* for ten months on and off and we’ll re-visit. 🙄😂😭

    But seriously, it’s not that bad. Mostly I keep to myself and keep my issues inside. But I can erupt, is what I’m saying. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. If you told my family I was the angriest kid growing up you wouldn’t be wrong lol.. I also am queen of holding grudges, my husband thinks I’m a petty, petty woman lol (mostly because when he does things to me I’m not allowed to do it back to him and if I do then I’m “petty” HA!)… anyway I should work out channeling that anger into motivation lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Be aware of the quiet ones that are slow to anger. My question is, Did any of the M&M’s survive the eruption of Mount Zoe? I like M&M’s😁.
    Great post and so true. Keeping anger inside is very destructive. Stay safe and calm. Scott

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You’re right. Anger happens, it’s often cyclical, and it sucks. It’s simply no fun to feel, especially for a long while. I’m generally calm and then when I show anger I upset everyone I know. Which makes me feel as if no one has been paying attention to the human me that can, that might be allowed, to show anger. Which tends to have me feel alone as well as angry. Sigh. When it comes to being angry at issues in the world, that sometimes goes better, as I like to think concern for justice is involved.

    This is a well-written post, by the way (the teacher says). It has a distinct beginning, middle, and end. Makes strong use of narrative and is, in fact (I believe), strong and engaging and compelling, throughout.

    Sorry about the glass. I hope you didn’t cut yourself. If you did or do, I think some anger would be justified.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Interesting post. I struggle with anger sometimes too-we all do. I recently heard of a business somewhere here in the Denver area where people can go and smash glass to smithereens to vent their anger. I thought that was a really interesting idea. I wish I could remember what it was called. The person who told me about it said it is a “thing” so apparently they are all over the country. I think I might want to try it out someday.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. oh no….I can relate. I just went to a clients house and dropped my glass of water all over her driveway when I was going to do a burning bowl ritual (ya know bringing my own glass in Covid.. ugh). Here I am coming to support her and she’s cleaning up my mess. Embarrassing but at least I didn’t loose any m & m’s over it. 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “The thing is: anger sucks. Especially when you don’t show it outwardly.”

    Couldn’t agree more. I’ve been there, for 30+ years and I don’t miss it (a split second).

    SHOW it when your angry, even when (you know) it’s ‘your’ anger and not caused by somebody else’s behavior or deeds. Just fucking show it. It’s not only eating YOU up, it’s very hard to live with.

    If someone fucks up: BE angry. You’ve got all the right and reason. When you’re angry at yourself, or (at) your reaction to something that occurred and triggered (unreasonable) anger in you: TALK about it. Share it.

    I’ve seen my love (of my life) DIE by this behavior. (And so it makes ME angry 😉 (no, not really: painful but good riddance)).

    Liked by 1 person

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