Coffee Crime

Posted byZoewiezoePosted inDaily Ditties

When it comes to being an attentive hostess, I’ve never been the most talented of household-goddesses. My idea of being a good host mainly hinges on the presence of a LOT of everything in the house. The service doesn’t really come included.

So if you end up on my couch – you best get comfortable enough to dive into my fridge and cupboards asap, at a risk of otherwise becoming parched or hungry. Mi casa es su casa as soon as you pass the treshold. Everything is there, I’m just not that great at actually getting it to ya. Sawwy.

So this weekend I had guests. Two of them! Actual living breathing human guests!
So. Much. Yay!
(You know lockdown is in full swing when even the introverts start jumping at the chance of meeting up with folk).
And one of these guests always is very confronting for my ‘I have everything!’ persona in hostess-land. Because this fella drinks coffee. Something that I don’t. So I don’t have a coffeemaker. I had seven sorts of drinks. Three different types of beer. ALL of the snacks…but obviously no coffee. Yikes!

This – throughout my life – has always been treated as a humongous crime. Even if you’re not a coffee-drinker…society somehow still EXPECTS you to be able to provide guests with coffee if they so please. It’s a MUST. No negotiations! Which I never understood. Honestly. Sure, if someone offers ya coffee, go for it. If you ask for coffee and they don’t have it in the house, how is it that that always ends up like I told them I don’t actually breathe oxygen either?

‘No coffee? Really? Oh…ehh….then I’ll have….xxx….
I don’t know anyone without a coffeemaker. That’s so….’

But hey. I don’t play soccer. So there’s no soccer-ball in my yard (even though that’s a staple in many households). I don’t like loofahs, so there’s none in my house even though I have a tub that I practically live in. I don’t have a rice-cooker because I barely cook rice, and if I do, it’s no trouble to just boil the water anyway. So WHY would not having the apparatus’ for making beverages I don’t myself consume be a strange thing?

Now – this particular guest is the fucking awesome variety – so he brought his own espresso (can you imagine being this addicted to a drink? :O). Fucking lovely!
But since I have another guest coming over later today (damn, I’m not really doing too well on the isolation thing this week) I am already slightly pondering the ‘what if’ of him wanting coffee. Dammit.

Maybe I SHOULD get one of them cupclickcoffeethings. Just for those ‘rare’ occassions.
Wait. Some of them also make hot cocoa right? This might be a smart move indeed.

50 thoughts on “Coffee Crime”

  4. What if someone very ashamed comes to visit? He will starve to death! Hahahaha After all, if they know you and know that you don’t buy coffee, let them bring it themselves and let them make homemade coffee, without a machine. 😛

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  7. As an avid coffee drinker myself I always appreciate it when at someone’s home they offer me coffee. That said I dont make them responsible for my coffee addiction, if they dont have coffee I manage as best I can. The problem is, when you welcome coffee into your life it has an alarming probability of remaining a fixture for a long, long time. Good luck on your coffee free journey.

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  8. For years I didn’t have a coffee maker until I got one of those cupclickcoffeethings (a Tassimo, specifically). Until then, my parents would bring their coffee maker with them anytime they came to visit.

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  9. The tiny coffee makers (that’d end like 4 cups, enough for 2 people to have a mug) are pretty cheap, and they’re super small. It may be an option.

    But also, yeah, I’m with you. If you don’t do coffee, you absolutely shouldn’t feel obligated to have it on hand (despite the suggestion above). Just like the soccer ball. At the end of they day, they’re in YOUR house and stepping into YOUR world. Being a good host is just being warm, not providing negligible things like coffee.

    Toilet paper, on the other hand… now that’d just be sad.

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  10. (1) “(You know lockdown is in full swing when even the introverts start jumping at the chance of meeting up with folk).”
    YES! This… I’m an introvert, but I’m a social introvert. I love hanging out with big groups of people, but only once a month or so, twice at the absolute most. I used to throw awesome (or should I say “rad”) retro gaming parties and game nights at my house before COVID, but only about 3-4 times a year. But this is what I miss the most about these times. Even though it was hectic to have so many people in the house, and tiring to clean up after them, it was worth it. 😦

    (2) Finally, someone else who understands what it’s like not to like coffee! As I’ve written many times in my blog, having been a university student in the 90s, I felt like my dislike of coffee stunted my social life at a time when it was all the rage to hang out at the coffee shop (the TV show “Friends,” for example, although I never got into that show for a variety of reasons).

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  11. I have a kettle.
    Is that not enough?
    I even have a jar of coffee on hand. Ok, so it instant and doesn’t come with special filter thingies or wotsits but…
    Kettle.
    Jar of coffee.
    It’s not a staggering choice, I know… but if I was a standard issue hotel, a kettle and some sachets of coffee and a couple of tea bags would be the epitome of choice.

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      1. Learning the terminology of coffee dudes is a minefield. I was at an airport a few years ago, looking to get a coffee to fill in some time between connecting flights, so I looked at the range of thingy-wotsit-chinos and tried to figure which of these equated to a big standard coffee I would recognise.
        I ordered an espresso – erroneously thinking it was similar to “express”, as in fast, simple, no fuss, no special frothy whatever. To give myself an excuse to chill awhile at the coffee bar, I ordered a large one, naturally expecting a large cup to appear.
        I was shocked to receive a thimble of what tasted like coffee to fuel space rockets with.

        First time I was ambushed by a drink. I now know an espresso from a cappuccino from a latte from a frappalappadingdong. I can sit in a coffee bar without being surprised by cup sizes. Somehow, there’s no adventure anymore.

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  14. I don’t have any consumables in my place that I don’t consume myself. When I think about what someone might want and my not having it, I think about that person’s disappointment but not my obligation to provide it. But then I don’t expect to have something somewhere else if it’s not generally kept or made there.

    I might complicate the potential social problem in that while I have a coffeemaker, it isn’t a Keurig. So I end up a coffee criminal, anyway.

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  17. I have an expensive-ass coffee machine, and end up drinking instant coffee. Just have some nice instant coffee in the cupboard, and tell them to suck it up if it’s not good enough for them 🙂

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  21. I have a stove-top coffee maker and I have taken it with me when visiting in-laws.I might be a little bit addicted myself.

    But if you don’t drink coffee yourself, you’re probably better off just getting a jar of instant. There’s no point in spending a fortune on something you’ll never use for yourself.

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  25. 😂 I’m a coffee snob and coffee addict. Oploskoffie is unacceptable to me. So is Senseo and most filter koffie. Honestly if I’d visit you, I’d ask for tea (or actually get it myself, lol 😂) or one of those beers perhaps. Btw I pretty much always carry my thermos bottle with herbal infusion or tea with me and if I’m really in need of (more) coffee, I’d carry my own coffee thermos with me as well, instead of relying on you. Unless I’d know you’re a coffee snob/addict too 😉

    BTW I do not have a coffee machine at home either. So, you should def not get any to accommodate your guests! I cook Turkish coffee at home (in a djezva, a special Turkish coffee pan, but I’ve made it in a regular steelpan as well), OR Indonesian koffie tubruk. No machines needed!

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