Tinder Tales – Ixnay on the Indertay

Back into the fray, my dear!

With a sentence like this? I can actually imagine myself sitting atop a huge black horse, on a mountaintop, looking down on the battlefield of love. Armor fully intact but battleworn and with a heavy heart (with one too many patches, maybe). But ready for battle none the less.

Lets just say reality really does pale in comparison. Sadly.

After my post last week on the weaknesses that might come with love – I bravely created a new Tinder account. Because everyone knows: Tindering is THE way to dip your toe back into the cesspool. Eh. Datingpool. Right?
And since last year already proved that actual dating sites yield no better candidates than the now-classic swipey apps, I figured: why the hell not. It’s a good pastime regardless of finding the actual mister right.

It obviously didn’t take me long to get weary again. With a boatload of new matches under my belt I can safely say that Tinder…Tinder never changes. I suppose that’s mostly because our very human dating needs don’t really change that much either (even though these days showing a bit of ankle ain’t enough to please a fella and cause a scandal no more). Pleasure and procreation. We’re such simpleminded creatures.

Which means that in order to save yourself some time – it’s important to become aware of the ‘secret code language’ that is used for Tinder biographies. And by secret code language – I mostly just mean the lingo. Because it’s very much not-secret. And not-subtle. So let me translate what some of the words used in the tiny bit of text under the swipe-able pictures (can) mean, for those of you who use Tinder (or who are curious from the safety of your happy relationship):

* ONS -> One night stand
*
NSA -> No strings attached
* FWB -> Friend with benefits (also found as Friends+)
*
Eggplant + waterdrops (+ peaches or cherries) emojis -> Well. You can figure that one out yourself, right? Classy.
*
420 -> Will smell like weed. Or bad hygiene. Or both.

Usually one or a a combi of either is found in a bio to qualify that the user either DOES (just) want dates for these obvious purposes in their Tinder foraging OR is very much against those and ‘wants something serious’ (which loosely translates to: ‘I’m saying I’m looking for something serious so I don’t lose the girls who want to come across as not easy even though they are, but actually I  do totally want ONS/FWBs for sure’).

Nothing wrong with upfront honesty though. Saves us all a bunch of time.
Lets move on!

Guys these days either opt for no text at all, have a passive aggressive list of the suckiness of Tinder and unwanted partner-qualities OR (and this saddens me to no end, because it’s an instant-swipe-to-the-left) will have either of the following terms included on their profile (with my own added translations, of course)

* Open-minded -> I don’t mind either of us sleeping around. Would totally go for a threesome. Like it kinky
* Open -> see above – AND I’m probably already taken
* In an open relationship -> see above – AND I’m definitely taken
*
Poly (or polyamorous)-> More more more! Ps. Probably also already taken.
*
Ethical non-monogamy -> More more more, but with a LOT of talking! And definitely already taken.
* My girlfriend says I’m cute -> Just. Wow.
*
1+1=3 / unicornhunter -> Looking for an extra girl (never a guy, obviously) for a threesome that I instigated and my partner isn’t really down for. Usually accompanied by pics of the happy couple or a scantily clad ladyfriend.
* Non-conventional -> Combination of all of the above. And BDSM. Please.
*
Adventurous -> See above. But hopelessly single.
*
Kinky -> Bring on the 50 shades of grey
*
Dom/non-nilla/sub/likes the color grey/vanilla isn’t my favorite flavor: More BDSM. Please. And the real deal, tyvm.

It really really makes a girl wonder: what happened to all the ‘normal’ (read: mono and conventional) guys out there?
Do you think there’s actual truth in the statement: ‘All the good ones are already taken. Or gay?’
I mean, I suppose there is, seeing as the last 5 times I googled a hot-as-fuck actor in one of the things I was watching they definitely ended up batting for the other team. And judging from the amount of open-minded fellas on this here Tinder – the taken part is also very deeply covered.

And then for something else – guess what the guys that I manage to spot WITHOUT any of these twitch-worthy phrases have: Kids.
Yes. Kids. Fuck.

Guess I’m screwed. And not in the good sense.

Maybe I should actually be looking for the horse to get on that mountaintop with. I hear saddles and riding do…wonders…too. Or something.


53 thoughts on “Tinder Tales – Ixnay on the Indertay

  1. Your very brave and its something that I would never do, I have given up on finding love altogether, im very happy on my own doing my own life the way I want it lol lol so very best of luck to you my lovely blog friend, as for me the single life is boring but much better for me, i wish you well ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am also very happy on my own – so there’s 0 rush in the process (which makes the process a lot more pleasant). But there’s nothing wrong with the single life as long as you enjoy it!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. SMiles Left/Right
    Swipes
    Don’t Pass

    The

    Smell

    Test
    Yes Humans
    Are Attracted
    To Each Other

    By:

    How

    They

    Smell

    Not
    Much
    Different
    From Dogs Really…

    When i Was
    Very Small
    i Attempted
    To Find A Girlfriend

    From The
    Sears And
    Roebucks
    Calendar
    Girl Lingerie
    Section Yet

    Then i
    Found Poetry
    Singing In Sweet

    Eyes

    And

    Replied

    To ‘The Smell’

    Yes Something

    Is

    MiSSinG….

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I missed out on Tinder – I was already married with kids before it appeared – not that that seems to stop a LOT of people though lol. Shouldn’t laugh really. You never know – you’re honest, you speak truth, and you write wonderfully – maybe the person you’re looking for is already reading, but hasn’t plucked the courage up to comment? (I’m forever the optimist) 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Admittedly it has been some years since I came across (et cetera) Pig Latin. However, it still, sadly or otherwise, thrilled me a touch more than the clipped cyphers that followed. Thank you! Oodgay ucklay!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Eh. I got divorced when I had teen kids. During the brief time when I was doing…whatever it was one did back then (no Tinder yet), I was 115 pounds, looked cute, and was nice and smart. Well, very large men with very little hair told me since I wasn’t blonde I wasn’t interesting. And I did NOT look like a fashion model nor did I have giant boobs. And they didn’t like smart people. And eww, kids. Hey, it meant I at least had sex twice in my life. So, I am pretty sure a few guys who would have actually enjoyed me if they met me lost out. Oh well. I met a person the normal way, at work. 🙂 And he was not a hot movie star. He was a guy. But he was a nice, kind guy who did like my children. As soon as I gave up, he showed up.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m so glad this sort of app wasn’t around when I was single and dating. In fact, mobile phones weren’t around, life was much simpler. Great Post, it did make me chuckle but not at your expense.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. “Do you think there’s actual truth in the statement: ‘All the good ones are already taken. Or gay?’”

    Yes. Yes, I do. And if it doesn’t work out again and they’re looking again later in life, they have kids by then. (And in my case, I’m usually not the kind of guy that women like that are looking for. There has been one notable exception, but that’s a long story in and of itself.)

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’ve noticed the same thing on these apps recently. Even just a year or two ago, I barely saw anyone mention open relationships on Tinder and now it seems like everyone is in one. All these people are looking for another person while I can’t even find one 😅 I’m curious to know why open relationships have become so popular recently. To each their own, but I would be way too jealous to share my SO with someone else!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Wowza…………I didn’t think dating sites were that bad! I met my husband on one, albeit twenty years ago. How times have changed or maybe not. They should have a completely different dating site for people not interested in relationships but only interested in getting laid. We have site where I live, so I’ve heard………called Plenty of Fish and it’s basically that type of dating site. Where do the relationship type people meet other liked minded people?

    When I read your last paragraph all I could think of was that saying “Save a horse, ride a cowboy”

    Good luck to you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Maybe, just maybe your ‘worldview’ gets a little shaded or ‘colored’ by the ‘inhabitants’ of these kind of App-‘worlds’? They’re not representative of the average guy or girl, out there in the real world? And perhaps you have the make a decision as you – ‘obviously’ – do not fully belong there either? Wishing you a (love)-prosperous 2021!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nobody gets out in the real world anymore mister 🤫 The real world died from corona, I think 🤭 Plus it’s hard to connect with new people, from a meter and a half away, wearing a mask 🙃🤣

      But thanks for the well-wishes!
      (And secretly: same to you, IF and when you’re ready 🔥😇)

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I think more than anything my problem with 90% of Online dating profiles is the pictures women choose. Like, either way too close to their face for all photos, too far away or hard to see from the majestic outdoor background, too many photos with drinks in hand (more than one = alcoholic), too many group photos, or you can’t tell what they physically look like by themselves.

    Then you might get one profile that has decent photos and based on their preferences, it’s not a match. Like not wanting kids, different life goals, or wants to go out hiking every weekend (pass. A couple times during the summer, okay). Or worse of all, you get a catfish or scammer.

    It feels like nobody wins in the current form of online dating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think pooling everyone with more than 2 drinks as alcoholic is downright silly.
      I’m never photographed with drinks and I drink entirely too much.
      It’s just that posting selfies only is also frowned upon and most of the other picture occasions are social. And include drinks. Says very little about alcoholism. So if that’s your standard…yeah…I see the problem 🤣🤣🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I really liked the sincerity of your text. I’m not a fan of an apps like tinder, but I believe I can add something from my personal experience to your discussion topic. Perhaps you are looking for a relationship in the wrong place. I know that the pandemic does not help singles, but there are some good places to look for a relationship: friends of your friends, co-workers, neighbors… Real people in everyday situations. Bars, pubs and clubs as well as apps are not good places to find a serious relationship. I learned this lesson before apps came out and it worked for all the relationships I had. My advice is: enjoy the single life to get to know yourself and find happiness within yourself, and in the meantime, keep your eyes open to meet real people around your offline life.

    Like

  13. 😂 considered going back, but.. nah. Might sit this out until (if?) bar hopping and clubbing and socialising will be acceptable again.
    Not sure how it is for straights, but ever checked out OkCupid? In Ams it was.. fun, not sure where in NL you live.

    Like

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