The past few years I was a firm and committed member of the club of people vowing to ‘only make the resolution to make no New Years Resolutions, cause nobody fucking ever keeps ’em anyway‘. No month-of-January-only gym-memberships that then resulted in a year of (as I like to call it) paying ‘fat-tax‘ for being too lazy to go to the gym but having to pay for it anyway. No life altering pattern-changers like ‘no constant swearing‘ or silly things like ‘being kind to random strangers‘.
But after the 2020 we’ve had – I have decided to do it differently come 2021. I’m going to make ALL of the resolutions. The list of lists of resolutions. I’m going to build a steady foundation to a healthy life on all of the important pillars of ambition and be the happiest-in-theory-2021-inhabitant around. I’m going to revolutionize making resolutions. RESOLUTIONIZE it.
And then probably fail every single one before the year ends, but nobody is going to care anyway, so why the hell not! Because honestly: do we really have anything better to do these days than work on improving ourselves while the rest of the world is in shambles? Nope. Didn’t think so. So what’s your excuse?
Here goes. All of the classics and some new ones all squished together!
(and, as I’m a list-loving bastard – they’re conveniently categorized for your reading pleasure and my slight OCD tendencies!)
- Land (at least) 5 >10m. deals successfully.
- Get three additional certificates on relevant topics OR
- Follow six non-certificate-yielding relevant work courses.
- Do whatever is necessary (and actively check this with management) to get the needed functional grade for the 175% bonus in 2022.
- Wear a costume in a Teams-call on Carnaval. And Christmas. And possibly Easter (I’d totally look awesome in bunny ears).
- Donate the 2021 Christmas package to charity.
- Don’t get a burnout. Or fired. Or in a fight with colleagues for no other reasons than them sucking (luckily, so far, all of them are pretty damn awesome).
- Start writing a book. Or collect blogs to add into a column-bundle. Or do something anything whateverything to get published work in book-form out into the world.
Yes. Erotica counts. Totally. Get yourself hired at Harlequin or summin’
- Keep. Blogging. In. 2021. (as in: the entire year!)
- Write (at least) 200 posts
(without bitching out and starting those horrendous ‘5 ways to’ or ‘my top 10 of’ puke-posts – and without participating in all the shoulderpatting ‘blogawards’ showers)
- Find a way to ALSO make sure old content gets some luvvin’ every now and then.
- Get to 5.000 followers. Yes. Really. Gotta be ambitious, right?
- Get to 500 unique visitors in 1 day at least once.
- Make a person laugh hysterically with a post. Or cry. Either works.
- Do a monthly Resolutionized-update so I don’t ‘forget‘ that I’m supposed to be doing this.
- Fuck dating altogether for the entire year and take a Zoë-year OR
- Do NOT ‘date’ any of the old-stale-already-done-douchebags EVER again.
AND (if I do end up dating)
- No beards. Seriously. Just. No negotiating – no beards.
- Stop downdating AND/OR downplaying myself just to appear acceptable and not-be-lonely.
- Stop settling for soul-crushing limitations or demands and instead go for compromise-less loving.
- Don’t opt for an imaginary boyfriend for lack of actual people potential. Pillows do not count.
- Don’t drunk-booty-call any of the old-stale-already-done-douchebags. Really. Don’t be that girl.
- Make a new (group of) friends that DON’T all live at least an hour away.
- Spend more time with the far-away-bunch of friends.
- See actual people IN PERSON at least once a month. No hermitting.
- Write a letter to a friend telling them how much they mean to me. Try not to include swearwords too much.
- Post something non-selfie-related to Instagram every now and again.
And get more than 100 inactive followers so someone might actually even see it, as well XD
- Host a dinnerparty and actually COOK.
No. Making someone else do the cooking doesn’t count. Even if you cut the onions.
- Do something wine-knowledge related (a workshop, or tasting or high wine) so you’re not just downing bottles but actually know something about their contents.
- Do NOT. I repeat: do NOT install Snapchat. Or Pinterest. Ever. AND
- Do not start Tiktokking. In any way, shape or form. You’re too old Zoë. Really. You are. Resist the temptation.
- No more alcohol.
Haha, I just made myself giggle. Ok. Fine. Lets make it realistic. No more alcohol during weekdays AND only when in company.
- No more binge-eating.
No. Seriously. I wouldn’t even make it a week. This was obviously a joke. Cheatdays are a must.
- Lose an additional 9.1 kilos to finally end up at a healthy 22.6 BMI.
- Get a ton of exercise. Or at least – a bunch. Or you know – try to go walking for an hour at least once a week.
AT LEAST DO SUMMIN, YA LAZY FUCK!
- Get my account balance/savings up to that number I internally discussed.
OR at the very least: don’t keep spending fortunes on Thuisbezorgd!
- Don’t start smoking. Or get 12 cats. Or take up skydiving. Or become a vegan. Seriously. Don’t.
- Actually finish watching Arrow. I know I have to. It’s on the list. I’ll get it done. Accept the suffering and finish what I started.
- Keep the Christmas tree up year round. IT’S HAPPENING! Gotta make it to August!
- Learn a new language
(or yaknow, get my Spanish up to a decent level seeing as the whole world’ll speak it at some point, apparently)
- Learn how to play an instrument.
I’m just fucking kidding – I forgot how to even read notes. I’m ambitious but not THIS ambitious. Plus. I can’t keep a rhythm to save my life.
- Play Zelda Breath of the Wild. Whether it’s at a friends or whether I manage to convince myself that I deserve a Switch. It must be played.
The beauty of having this EPICALLY long list of resolutions?
Statistically speaking it would be damn near impossible to fail ALL of them. So I’ll definitely have some successes to celebrate. With alcohol. But only in the weekends. Obviously.
One thing is for damn sure: 2021 is going to be a boatload better than 2020. Mostly because it would be damn near impossible to suck more than 2020 without there actually being an apocalypse. I’m SO in for it.
Now…where to start?
Oh wait. I still have a week of procrastinating to go!
(Do feel free to share your own resolutions btw. I might be inclined to grow my list with inspired notions!)