Do(n’t) feed the troll xD!

Move over Kendall Jenner en Kim Kardashian!
Internet-fame has embraced me as its newest inhabitant and I shall need my throne polished and shined to its most sparkly capacity!

Because – as we all know: the true measure of internet fame is when you start getting haters and the trolls come out of the woodwork! I don’t just mean the spambots that WordPress’ Akismet is very capable of fishing out, but the true internet warriors that venture into the online world from the relative safety of their keyboard dungeons.

And I got one!
My very first one!
(I might possibly be way too inappropriately excited about this)
But I’ve been grinning and laughing my ass off since their first comment of my modest little blog – so I figured I’d document this for all eternity as the official first troll-sighting on Zoewiezoe!

Because believe it or not (I’d go for not, but who knows, all the evidence is apparently against me): I, apparently, am not Dutch.
Sorry family, colleagues, friends and teammates that are reading this blog – our whole connection has been a lie, or so I’m told!

It obviously doesn’t matter that I was born in a Dutch hospital in Holland to four generations of Dutch families. Speak Dutch. Attended a Dutch school. Got a Dutch bachelors degree (although, my English Master does ring some alarmbells, right?). It doesn’t matter that I have ‘Nationality: Dutch‘ on any legal document ever made in my name and currently live, work and write in Holland.

Nope. None of that matters. Because after posting yesterdays post to explain my choice to write this blog in English (rather than, again, Dutch) – I was notified of the fact that I am in fact. Not. Dutch. LE GASP!

Lucky for me a random internet stranger, never before seen or encountered, could conclude solely from my excellent English grammar skills (YAY compliment!) that I could not possibly be Dutch. See the below comment trail (so you can save yourself the clicking – unless you’re reading this in the reader, in which case you probably won’t see anything XD)

The thing is – it’s hard to convince anyone of anything they don’t wanna believe if they’re set on not wanting to believe something. I had way too much fun thinking of insane examples of how that might work, and let me tell you – I have PLENTY more. And yes, I laugh at my own jokes. A lot. Too. I wonder if that’s a non-Dutch thing, as well :O.

My brain just keeps going with the freaky examples of other content to that exact conversation since my last comment. It’s just. Too. good.

Just imagine how inappropriate this conversation would’ve been if the topic had been sexuality.
Me: ‘I’m straight.’
Troll: ‘You’re not straight. Why would you say that you’re straight. That’s weird.’
Me: ‘Eh.. I’m attracted to guys. I date guys. I like guys.’
Troll: ‘Yeah. That doesn’t say anything. I read your blog and everything indicates that you’re gay.’
Me: ‘Ehm. Nope.’
Troll: ‘How about you fuck a guy right in front of me and prove that you’re straight
Me: ‘-fucks a guy-‘
Troll: ‘Not good enough.’
Troll: ‘You’re just faking being straight. Look at Ricky Martin. They did it for 30 years. Or Freddie Mercury. Nope. You’re gay.

Or weird-as-fuck American politics :O
Me: ‘I’m a Democrat.’
Troll: ‘You’re not a Democrat. Why would you say that you’re a Democrat. That’s weird.’
Me: ‘Eh.. I’m sane. I think Trump is an idiot. I totally support Biden.’
Troll: ‘Yeah. That doesn’t say anything. I read your blog and everything indicates that you’re a Republican.’
Me: ‘Ehm. Nope.’
Troll: ‘How about you vote Biden and prove you’re a Democrat.
Me: ‘-votes Biden-‘
Troll: ‘Not good enough.’
Troll: ‘You’re just faking being a Democrat. Your statements mean nothing. You’re definitely a Republican.

I could go on with religion. Or eye-color. My choice of console (Xbox, duh). Or anything else that you should in no way have to ‘prove‘ to anyone.

Seriously. This whole thing. It’s too hilarious.
I could write an entire Gabriel Iglesias special on this.

But alas. Since I’m apparently not Dutch any longer I suppose I’ll have to move. And ditch my love for hagelslag. And stroopwafels. And jonge kaas. And never buy tulips again. And. And. And.
I’m sorry for lying to you, loyal followers. The internet says I’m not Dutch. So it must be true.

Ps. They always say: don’t feed the trolls (aka: don’t give them the attention they’re craving). But then, seeing as I’m not Dutch AND a rebel. I did. Booyah.

74 thoughts on “Do(n’t) feed the troll xD!

  1. Ooh…. the sinister giraffe heads are coming to get you…

    πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦†πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’πŸ¦’

    (that’s a lot of giraffe heads… and the duck got in there by accident)

    I suck at sinister giraffe messages.

    To be fair, I never quoted it as a skill.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I thought oodles of giraffes looming over your screen…
        That must have been why I chose giraffes – they’re nicely made for looming

        (otherwise I’d have gone for the ducks, obviously… maybe geese, actually: geese and swans can both loom a bit – and even while gliding. Gliding and looming is cool).

        Clearly, this conversation isn’t helping anyone.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Nee joh dan heb je een Nederlander verleid om je reacties te typen dat snap je toch!

        Misschien anders kleine kutplaatsnamen in Nederland opnoemen die je niet kan vinden op google maps omdat ze zo klein zijn maar die elke Nederlander kent? Nibbixwoud bijboorbeeld

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Munstergeleen? Dat bestaat niet! πŸ˜‰Zie je wel dat je Non-Dutch bent!

        You can try to fake it, but you won’t make it.

        Trolls Are always Right (or at least: let them believe so, in their self-created little bubble, a universe in which they are the ruler and as such always right).

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “Nee joh dan heb je een Nederlander” sounds like something stirring and deeply passionate… something that needs a sword and an audience of warrior elves.
    Does Holland have warrior elves? They’re hard to pin down geographically.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Umm, your example with our insane politics hits pretty close to the truth.

    “President-elect Biden will be swo-”

    “YAY! Four more years! Suck that dems!”

    “But… Biden won the –”

    “Trump by a freaking landslide as long as you don’t count the illegal votes for Biden. And all are illegal because, DUH, who would sanely vote for anyone but OUR FEARLESS LEADER, Trump! Totally the most beautiful, biggest win with the largest crowds ever seen. And he changed the water flow standards on showerheads back to something more manly by executive FREAKING order, you tit…”

    x~x~x~x~x~x

    That said, I thought I heard donkey’s braying from your end of the pond within the past 24 hours. I’m surprised they didn’t point out your clever ruse with the anonymous VPN. Or maybe… that’s how they know you are really…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I laughed with your examples.

    I’ve been told by a responder that I’m going to hell, but so far there’s only been the one to judge. As far as I know.

    I’m sorry to say your English is truly fine. Your writing voice (in English) is smart and engaging. The English or English-speaking people (I’m in the USA with, you know, the idiot) would be glad to have you. Except that you’re Dutch and should be true to that.

    Excellent post! Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Holy Ghost Stuff

    You Can’t

    Possibly

    Be American..
    American’s
    Are Predictable
    As Apple Pie
    And Double
    Car Garages
    Filled With
    Walmart
    Left
    Overs

    With

    No Room

    For A Truck

    Only Used

    To Show

    They

    Store πŸ₯œ πŸ”©

    Nuts And Bolts😱

    Other Than That

    Not Ashamed

    To Claim

    IMAGA

    I Make
    America
    Great Again

    If You Wanna

    Call What i Do

    English Hehe

    WitH SMiLeS NowπŸ‘»

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Congratulations on your first troll! This was a hilarious exchange. Unfortunately, the perceived connection between language and identity leads to so many misconceptions. As an educator, I see it all time. Happy writing! πŸ™‚ ~WB

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We Dutch have a saying ‘Plaat voor de kop’ for exactly those bullheaded people. Which pretty much translates to ‘having a plank/wall/board in front of their head’ aka they can only see the bullshit right in front of ’em!

      Wait. Not we Dutch. Since I’m not Dutch. Obviously.

      Liked by 1 person

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