Out of Touch

There’s been moments these past few lockdown-y months that I’ve had short episodes of extreme selfpity. To be expected, surely, and probably not a surprise to anyone. We all have these, in our lives, no matter how hard we try to hide and deny them – but I’ve never really believed in avoiding the hard topics (as you will have probably noticed).

But yeah, there’s been moments where I may or may not have sat curled up in a corner, rocking back and forth while hugging a pillow and softly chanting Akon’s ‘Looooonely…..I’m so lonely…..’. Ok, truthfully, that mostly represents how I’m feeling inside, the actually rocking and chanting isn’t really a thing. But the feeling’s there none the less. And that feeling: sucks. Also not too surprising.

The thing is – I miss touch.

Genuinely. I miss the physical kind of (skin to skin) contact that is so vitally key (I’ve only recently started to really comprehend) to actually feeling alive and not alone in the world. To make sense of the universe around us. I’m not even speaking about touch of a sexual nature, not at all. The skinhunger I mentioned in an earlier writing (Damn ‘rona) has been getting increasingly worse as time inevitably keeps on passing. And without it being satisfied, I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to ignore it. I kind of feel like Will Smith in I am Legend (or Princess in the Walking Dead). Because god – I miss touch and might be going slightly insane for the lack of it. (even more so than usual)

I’ve always been a very PDA-heavy person. Which is somewhat strange, because I can tolerate very little people in my personal bubble (hugs from acquaintances -or worse: strangers- are a total hard limit!). However, the rare ones that ARE granted access to that invisible space – will be experiencing a lot of (casual) touching. Again, not of a sexual nature.

But just like this blind puppy, I like to make sure people are in the room with me, if that makes sense. Which means that I’ll always drop a hand on a shoulder in passing (if I like ya). Or just brush past a lower back. Or high five you enthusiastically on my way to the kitchen. Or initiate a random pillow fight. Or. Or. Or. There’s a million ways to generate one of those reassuring touches. The kind that makes you undeniably certain of another physical presence. The kind that grounds you to this world.

Similarly – I’ll sit on the couch watching a series and make sure the very outside of my hand is touching skin of the person next to me. Or I’ll lean my shoulder against theirs. I’ll sit cross-legged and have my knee perched against the person next to me. Just barely touching. But grounded, none the less. Actually – my favorite way to watch a series is sitting on the floor with my back against the couch, and someone sitting ON the couch so I can rest my cheek against their knees. Just sitting. I miss that.

Plus…I painfully painfully badly miss those moments where you’re in the kitchen with an actual partner. Where you walk by them cutting onions or stirring a pot and you just slip your hands around their waist and nuzzle their neck from behind. Or those joyful bouncy pounces where you launch yourself into their arms. Miss the moments where you might be sleeping in a bed together in the midst of summer with it being too hot for actual proximity and you just hook your pinky in theirs so you’re at least still touching while hogging your own side of the mattress. And the evil moments where they’ll be unsuspectingly brushing their teeth and you just decided that shoulder looks too good not to NOM. Unexpected chomps are the best show of affection.

Sometimes I swear I’m experiencing phantom touches lately. Moments where I swear I can feel one of those touches on my skin, without there being anyone there. As if my body is remembering what life was once like. Not in a scary ghostly sort of way but just in a goosebump-inducing-core-memory-rolling-over-you-sense. Plus. Don’t even get me started about sex. Gawd. I would totally trade my left foot for some hubbahubba right now.

But even with a vaccine looming in the not-too-far future – it is bound to take a whole lotta time still before we return to somewhat-normal. And even then I wonder if and how ‘casual’ touching is going to return to our lives. I can’t see us going back to handshakes or the customary three kisses in greetings. Or to affectionate goodbye hugs. I don’t see us carelessly jumping on the lap of a close friend when the entire couch is full at a busy party or cozying up to someone on the backseat while on the way to a softball match. There’s a distance that’s creeped its way into our lives already that I’m not sure we’re going to be able to lose again.

But I’m fucking hoping we will. Because I don’t wanna spend the rest of my live out of touch with the world.

15 thoughts on “Out of Touch

  1. Another great post, I must admit I’m not a big lover of stranger hugs, not sure I’m a big lover of anything at the moment, up and down like a yo-yo lately. Anyway was another great read 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get that. :\ I grew up with very little touch and the kind of environment where friendly platonic touch, especially male-to-male, was discouraged. But I spent most of my 30s around huggers and became one myself.

    Like

  3. I’m glad you’re talking about this. I read an article about how touch affects us, even as babies and how it’s responsible for our well-being. Of course, I understand that many people have concerns about touch and it’s important for people to develop bodily autonomy and know about consent, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore a sense that’s so fundamental to us

    Like

  4. Just Nature To
    Miss What We
    Don’t Have With
    More Gratitude
    When We Do
    Finally
    Receive
    Yes Giving
    Warmth Is
    Receiving
    And That Warmth
    Is In Material
    Reductionist
    Terms
    Oxytocin
    Pain Killer
    Warm Fuzzy
    Healing Both
    Physical And
    Emotional Lonely
    HeART’s Club Bands
    Solo Generate

    GreaTesT

    Artistic

    Efforts
    That
    Indeed
    Can And Will

    Replace What’s

    Missing Whatever

    Unrequited

    Muse DarK

    Love Goes

    Art Will

    Return Warmth

    And Glow Within

    Giving Sharing

    Free And

    Honestly

    My Gosh

    What Erotic

    Arts Will Do

    To Keep

    The

    Human

    Condition

    Satisfying

    In All Arts

    And Loves

    That

    Do

    Go

    And

    Come Again

    Truly Some

    Folks

    Create

    A Personal

    Religion

    Fired
    By All

    Arts

    Of Human
    Conditioning

    Just
    Right
    Adjusting
    Soul Temps Now 🧊 🔥

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha, love your disclaimers, something about them.
    I read your earlier abstinence post, and I think revisiting the reason why you chose to abstain can help,
    If it was a good enough self growth reason 🙏🏾

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  6. Just sitting.. *zucht* herkenbaar

    Can’t wait for Christmas. I will be the one laying underneath the Christmas tree cuddling the dogs all day.

    Like

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