The misery habit

I got an email from the ex last night.
At least — that’s what I’m assuming seeing as it was an obviously fake mail-address and sent through the contact form on this website in his style of writing (fitting with the previous style of loves and comments to let me know he was still reading along on this blog).

I suppose it was a smart solution for having been blocked everywhere else and in all honesty it was quite a sweet mail with views on my apparently very fragile mental state exuding from my blogposts and a need to make sure I was actually ok.
(didn’t realize I was coming off as that much of a wreck? But just fyi – I’m actually doing quite well all things considering – the dark tone that works so well in blogs is not my general state of being all day every day 😉)

It still had me thinking though. Because even after I’d deleted that e-mail before my eager hands typed the reply I very badly wanted to type after the initial OMG IT’S HIM excitement (and after I then cleared the bin to make sure it was gonegone) I was still thinking about the words in that mail. Damn you photographic memory, replaying the words like they were still on the screen. Was I really that much of a wreck?

You see – these past few months I bounced from a slightly desperate (and intensely unsuccessful) rebound-hunt to my current spinster hermit mode (with a few moments of ‘I gotta get him back’ and ‘I need to move to another country and change my name to Conchita’ in between) but haven’t really found a place for myself that felt ‘right‘ yet.

But I couldn’t find it in myself to reply with the witty response I’d practiced in my head a million times for this moment: ‘Wait. You’re sending me a message? Why the fuck would you do that? Are you suddenly single and mono? No? Why are you contacting me then? Cause we literally have nothing to talk about until you are. Which is never..’.

But the intent was there right, that’s gotta count for something!
(I’m conveniently counting out the part of me that just wanted to strike a conversation and keep that going).

And on pondering why that was I realized that it’s probably because I’m such a creature of habit.

I blogged about my bad habits, and demons and set-in-stone behavioral patterns before and am now coming to the conclusion that I have added yet another to my list of horrible habits: being heartbroken and miserable.

Because the more I think about the moments that I feel so lost and unwilling to start something new these days – the more I realize that he and what we were doesn’t feature in those regrets all that much. I can’t really pinpoint what it is that I feel like I’m missing anymore. Just like I can’t really decide on what we had that I still need. It’s tied to what happened, but also exists separately from it entirely. It’s all just a big bubble of heartbreak and misery that I’m kind of stuck in. And I’ve now come to fear that that’s just because I’ve gotten too used to the feeling. Too much into the habit of feeling bad and sorry for myself to be able to shake it off.

And as providence then has it – a friend just at that moment just sent me a positive energy video (too muuuuuch but still secretely awesome) – that in the Youtube autoplay thankfully was followed by this awesome motivational video:

Normally I can’t stand these type of inspirational hodgepodge barf-modules like that first link. But Kevin Hart makes it SO vivid. Makes change seem SO valuable. Necessary. Makes happiness seem so accessible!

Guess I’ll have to put my thinking cap on (again) and get to work on some healthier behaviors so the rest of you out there don’t also think I’m wallowing in a pit of despair I can’t possibly get out of. Because (and I stress this again) a relationship is not my only purpose in life and outside of that veeeery unsuccessful element to my roster (which just lends itself better for blogging about than my happy work and personal life)– I’m actually doing well on pretty much every other front that matters.

So I guess this is a thank you for that email, ‘kind stranger’.
(and genuinely sorry if you were an actual not-ex mailer XD)

46 thoughts on “The misery habit

  1. I can totally relate to all of this. Although my blog posts may seem like I am not okay, I am slowly becoming okay. It’s a process but my posts are just me thinking out loud and my way of coping. Otherwise, I’m content.

    My ex reads my blogs as well. I’m sure his new thing reads them as well. But eventually everything will fall into place.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This is so relatable. We all have been burnt one time or the other…and we each go through the same vicious
    cycle which you mentioned…but hang in there..this too shall pass…or atleast until a hot rebound makes his way to you 😛😛😄😄

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can completely relate to the hermit mode feeling lol its sometimes painful to be single, but i will never give up hope of being in a relationship at some point in the future, all i can say is that you are beautiful and you deserve to be happy, weather thats being single or in a relationship, i wish you happiness my friend.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. For the record, you don’t come across as a wreck at all to me. It’s possible that I’m missing something profound, of course, but it’s a lot more likely that your ex is reading your blog with a whole lot of wishful thinking on the side.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Zoe, I never thought of you as living a hermit life of misery. You write such a variety of posts and most are funny. Losing someone sucks.
    I have had to get two daughters through breakups (FYI, I would rather have my teeth pulled out with a pair of pliers). I am the old school direct father and didn’t blow sunshine up their asses. I just pointed out there are 7.8 billion people in the world, go find someone else. (This isn’t directed at you, just my offspring) You seem fine to me.
    Now with that being said, go out on some penguin 🐧 pj’s and be Great today!! 😂🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad to hear!
      I do oftentimes wonder how the ‘whole’ of my blog comes across. This is a very helpful insight!

      And damn – I think helping kids through breakups might even be worse, because seeing them in pain, I can imagine, is horrendous. I’d probably bang up some exes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not easy to see your children in pain. My kids would probably tell you it’s not easy who has one cure for everything…. rub some dirt on it and get back in the game. Is that a saying in The Netherlands?

        Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s weird. Everyone has their ups and downs.

    I’ve never thought of you as an emotional wreck. Quite the opposite, in fact. I see you as a strong and resolute woman who happens to miss being in a relationship at times. But there’s no desperation in your tone, only the occasional melancholy.

    No need to lighten your blog. If you did, it might sound artificial and not as interesting to read. I read your because it isn’t some self-help feel good blog. There’s more than enough of those out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t see you as a train wreck, but I view blogging as a kind of therapy. Getting a chance to externalize what is internal helps me organize it. I also know that I can sometimes write in a persona that isn’t always mine–both good and bad.
    Keep writing and believe in yourself and if anyone thinks they can psychoanalyze you based on one or two posts–well, they are the ones who might have a problem and a need that isn’t being scratched in real life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Blogging as therapy, that is a super adequate analogy. And so truthful as well. It does help me work through a lot of the things – just getting them off the chest does wonders!

      Thanks for sharing your perspective <3!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve come to love your blog posts so much. You’re so honest and transparent when compared to most others I follow. You write wonderfully too. I’m sure I’m not supposed to be grinning sometimes, but I can’t help it. Your disasters are so relateable.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Breakups are hard enough, Pandemic breakups have to be a layer of hell. Sometimes you gotta write what’s alive in you so you sate that beast. Some comic said “tragedy + time = Comedy”. It still hurts when you go through it. Last night I started looking up how to survive solitary confinement because i think that’s more relevant than Viktor Frankl.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Even though I don’t have all the ideas, but still can relate to it. I just want to say that never lose hope and always be proud of yourself. We make a lot of mistake in life and that’s common. But that doesn’t take away our virtues. Be proud that you have endured everything and still keeping up with life and you deserve every happiness in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I also do not view you as a wreck. I enjoy your posts and I felt like you were including us in your journey. You can speak out loud your deep, dark, hurt feelings without letting them affect your every day life. And I feel that you do that, you are doing great (in my opinion) because being able to speak/write out loud your feelings means you are in a good spot and over the worst of it, (again, in my opinion) And I agree with Paul’s comment, your ex probably is reading with wishful thinking and most likely some regrets.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Still – it’s good to hear this from others than myself trying to talk myself through it.
      But if all of you good folk seem to think I’m not about to crash, I know who’s probably in the wrong here then.
      thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Narcissists like to create drama and negative emotions. Zoey, I don’t know you other than reading a couple of your blog posts and it would appear you’re mentally and emotionally stable. Thanks for being vulnerable.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Really? You dated this man and he is unable to tell? Even I, not knowing you that well, can tell it’s definitely not a despairing cry for help haha…
    Also, sorry but Conchita wouldn’t fit you. You may make an okay Alejandra though. Keep it up girl! 😁

    P.S.: Opening present for friendship level 4 tomorrow 5 pm-ish for you. Heads up if you want to Lucky egg. ;]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha – I was hoping to get an egg before you hit the button but I’m all out xD 🤭

      And thanks!
      Alejandra ain’t really my style either. I think. maybe Esperanza then xD? With the hyper exaggerated corazzzzzzon s in it xD

      Like

  14. I haven’t followed you very long or have read all your blogs. But I am going to go out on a limb here and say you have it all wrong. He is contacting you because you have moved on. Even if you think you are writing doom and gloom, you aren’t. There is strength in putting it out there and being vulnerable. Everything you are going through after a breakup is normal. It is a grieving process of shedding old skin and becoming better and more wise. He is contacting you because somehow he still wants to matter and be important. After all, to him – it really is about him and never about you. Because if it was about you, he would have never treated you the way he did in the first place. I find your writings amusing and gutsy and fun. Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. In my opinion you don’t come off as unstable. I think most of us get inspired by the smallest things and it could be completely unrelated to what’s actually going on in our life, but it makes for a good read, so then we post it.

    Liked by 1 person

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