Losing the spice (girls) of life

Who are you, and what have you done with Zoë?’ I was asked last week while catching up with a friend over Whatsapp. And as I typed the very honest answer: ‘I don’t know. I lost her somewhere around July and haven’t found her since’ – I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. #Dramaqueenmuch.

It’s a truth I’m still not comfortable with – but that is true regardless. Our conversation up to that point was the very undeniable proof of that – mostly because it went something like this:

Her: ‘How’s ….-insert name– doing?’
Me: ‘Dunno – we lost touch.’
Her: ‘And…-other name-?’
Me: ‘Ehhh…same…’
Her: ‘Oh. And how’s it going with….-insert preferred shared hobby activity here-‘
Me: ‘Quit that completely. And this too. And that other thing. And I haven’t been doing thisandthat either anymore.’

Pretty much the entire person she got to know no longer existed, and that became painfully obviously after only like 10 messages. Awkward much. Yes. It was no surprise that she followed up with that message at the top of this blog.

She’s one of my ‘recent‘ friends, meaning that she and I got acquainted in the last two years – and thus belonged to the entire network of friends that I cut off at the same time that I ended things with my ex. After I got out, I really GOT OUT. I dropped any and everything even remotely connected to ‘him‘ and ‘us‘ and buried my head deeper than the average ostrich in silly cartoons. I just checked out completely and entirely.

I went cold turkey on the entire person that I had been the past few years, and with that the entire personality that I had been discovering and developing. Hard as fuck to do, as you’ve probably noticed if you’ve been reading through my struggles these past few months.

What’s even worse? This is not even the first time I’ve gone through something like this, yet I’ve apparently learned nothing from the first (and second) time round. Granted, that was when I was way younger and focused around an entirely different part of life (and not love) but still – one mighta thunk that I’d have some grip on this by now.

When I was 16/17 I lived for tennis. I loved tennis. I breathed tennis. I grew up living across from our tennis club, and when I was 10-ish moved to a bigger house about 5 minutes away from that same club. And I spent my entire youth in and on the field. My week consisted of training (2/3 times), tournaments on Saturdays and competition on Sundays. Practice matches with my brother and friends on all the days in between and hitting balls against the practice walls when there wasn’t anyone to play against. When I wasn’t playing I was at the club watching other people play, working behind the bar or doing something or other tennis-related. My life revolved around tennis and my entire being was connected and intertwined to tennis-player Zoë. Until at 17 my decomposing body, college and other reasons caught up with me and I quit cold turkey from one day to the next.

I have little to no memory of the two to three years after that, that isn’t connected to me feeling sort of lost in a big world. I fucked up three attempts at studies in the course of that time – all of which mainly happened because I felt out of place in all of these schools between all of these people doing all of these things I never really bothered with. Not my best time. After that I found ‘that love‘ that set me straight.

The type of love that gave me something, or rather, someone new to revolve around for the next eight years. Eight years in which I finished college, built up a life and gained a ton of knowledge while I simultaneously managed to lose the connection to a part of ‘me‘ that I always felt was missing. Near perfect, but never good enough.

The pattern repeated after that. Two of three years I floundered again. Acting out, drawing inwards – kicking around. Once more alone in a world I seemed to have lost my grip on now that a huge part of myself was suddenly cut out. And then I found my footing again. Or at least, I thought I did. These past two years I spent finding new parts of myself, growing as a person and discovering sides to me that I always kind of felt existed, but never had access to. Until the break-up and immediate disconnection. Again.

Everything I became and discovered these past two years had somehow become s connected to ‘him‘ that when I cut him out – I also discarded this entire foundation to my current personality, leaving me lost once more. The type of lost where you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back. The type of lost where you objectively consider your actions and can’t figure out why you’re doing or saying half the things you’re doing and saying. Out of touch.

Even the basic feeling of belonging in your own skin? Feeling good about yourself? Or, god forbid, sexy?
Gone. There’s been moments where I’ve been getting dressed and pulled open the wrong drawer, only to end up wondering what the hell I was thinking for these past two years. I mean – I have a ‘basics‘ drawer in my dressoir with normal underwear, and then there’s the lingerie drawer (although…tbh, that’s more like three drawers and a box in the dressing room). But the person that would feel comfortable wearing any of those items? Gone. Hell. Even the person that could imagine a person WANTING to wear any of those things is gone. Lace? Nope. Baggy PJ’s life all day ‘erry day.

Another friend hit the nail on the head a while back when she explained to me how she thought I was doing/coping (she was kinder than to just say: not at all ;)). Describing how I was probably feeling lost ‘because I’d been letting go of something that I decided was the core to my entire personality‘ – without that really being something a person can do. Because you can’t just let go of what you (think you) are. But I still did. Rigorously so. And have been suffering the consequences still.

These days I’m figuring out that it’s a matter of getting reacquainted with myself.
The me that I am without other elements determining my me. The me I am without attaching my personality to elements or people outside of my control. And though it’s a slow process, it seems to be taking me somewhere somehow. At least that’s what I’m hoping – because I was driving home from my grandparents today and realized that I better hurry in getting it right – there’s not an infinite amount of chances to take:

When I was younger I was a HUGE Spice Girls fan. And where all the other fans I knew always ‘picked‘ their favorite Spice, I was always convinced that every person consisted of all five Spices, and that is what made them so wildly popular. Every human being has Baby, Scary, Sporty, Posh and Ginger Spice qualities that shape them into one whole entity.

I feel like I’ve been losing my Spice throughout the years though. Sporty Spice Zoë abandoned ship at 17 when I quit tennis (and any other sport became a chore instead of a natural part of life). I lost both Baby Spice and Scary Spice this summer when I closed the door on a very short but intense chapter of my life. And even though I’m currently very comfortable in the high-heeled all-work-no-play business-woman state that belongs to my inner frigid Posh Spice, I’m at a sure risk of throwing my towel (and soul) in the ring on my next loss and regressing fully to ‘just‘ Ginger Spice.

And I’m pretty sure I won’t like what’ll happen after I lose all of my Spices. It’s gonna be a short step to swinging around on Wrecking Balls, or hanging from chandeliers Sia-style or even worse: dumping a pack of blue hairdye on my mangy hair and going full Eilish. Nope. Nopenopenope. I wanna stay in the Spice-life, please. So I’m working on getting it right this time. And who knows, if I rock it out as Posh Spice long enough, maybe there’s going to be Spice Girls reunion in the future and I’ll get to be complete once more.

At least…that’s where I wannabe!
-winkwinknudgenudge-

21 thoughts on “Losing the spice (girls) of life

  1. Haven’t been reading your blogs for a while. ‘Keeping my own drawers closed’. Just wanted to say that I’m pretty sure mel c had blue hair once. And ginger ended up being in a good place. No worries. You will find out what spices you need for you life’s recipe. And for now well I can just say that joggers are very comfy and I need a new drawer for those

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think we go through stages where we lose ourselves, often when a major change has affected us – if we lose a loved on in death, end a relationship, move town, leave college, start a new job – sometimes we fit right in by being the same person, other times, we can’t be that exact same person, and we have to tone ourselves down and adapt a little – not always comfortable.

    I do think that this year has made it specially tough because we can’t be the person we normally are perhaps.

    But at the end of the day, more important than hobbies and habits is who you are in any circumstances – whether in good times or bad times, whether you are kind, honest, generous, a peacemaker etc – that is what will really count. Sometimes you have little control of your circumstances and you have to kind of settle and grow roots in the soil you are planted in and learn to thrive in a garden you may not have chosen to be in. Other times, you find yourself in the ideal circumstance for you, in a great garden with great flowers around you and it is like being in paradise. Always make the most of where you are, weather the storms and remember that it is your core values, your integrity, the way you treat others no matter where you are or who you are with that form your inner strength and self esteem.

    I have been in circumstances that sucked at times, but I could take pleasure in the way I behaved in circumstances I detested….and could walk away when the opportunity rose knowing I had stayed true to myself.

    Changes always come Zoe. They always come. Sometimes they are not welcome, sometimes they are a huge relief. But whenever the change comes, knowing your core inner qualities helps you to find your feet quickly in a new situation. Finding people that share or take an interest in your interests and hobbies is a bonus. But finding people who have good core inner qualities keeps you sane!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I too have been through a similar ordeal. But each time that I had to go through so much pain, after investing so many emotions in one person, I always took time out for myself. To just focus on myself and find out what I want, what makes my heart happy. And it is a long process, but you will eventually find the light that you’re looking for! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you Zoë for sharing this vulnerable piece. Breakups and transitions are difficult and in the process, it sometimes feels like we are loosing a part, if not all, of us. But I believe that we also grow and create new pieces and flavors in the meantime. So hang in there. Everything will be alright. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts in the meantime 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m just sending you a hug made out of slightly sad mice.
    Not quite sure why,
    it’s just been that kind of day.

    If you write like this about losing the old you, then the new one will be all the sentences you are looking for and more.

    In fact…
    maybe the mice hug is gilding the lily.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I remember noticing when I was younger that women would change their beer preference (I came from a small town) when they got a new man. This says a lot. You are shedding old skin and nothing is wrong with that. I can only imagine what would happen if you picked up a camera. You have mad skills, I can tell. Keep moving forward. God has a plan for each one of us. I truly believe this.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve experienced a lot of that with everything that went wrong with me in 2019 and with the world in 2020… I’ve lost a lot of who I was. It came up at work a few days ago, I was feeling really down, and a coworker was trying to cheer me up. She knew I used to do certain types of partner dancing asked if I had been doing any of the virtual dance events that those groups had been doing by video. I said, I don’t dance anymore, it’s not my crowd and I got tired of pretending it was. Then she asked when basketball season started, and I told her that I gave up my season tickets because I didn’t have people to go with very often anymore, and that I’ve given up on all sports this year because the world of sports has become obnoxiously preachy, and everything feels rigged toward the popular teams anyway. So yeah, I don’t know who I am anymore…

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  8. Hey i Played Tennis
    For More Than A Decade

    too Then Running A Decade

    Then Marrying

    Then Basically

    Living Dying

    And Now

    Dancing Singing Alive

    Staying Alive Staying

    Alive Yes i did Disco too

    With No Fear of Dying Now

    And That’s All i’ve Been

    Up to Lately Heaven

    is Just Everywhere

    i Color 2020

    Love

    i picked
    A HeLLuVA
    New Year’s Resolution

    This Year Yet Hell Teaches This Well..;)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wonderfully entertaining, lovely writing, every time I read your blog you always seem to surprise me, thank you so very much for the trip down memory lane, the girls were a favourite of mine as well, i was going to be a famous writer and marry mel C, but things never really worked out that way. You may not be able to be your past self, but only you can be you, every day we learn something new and that changes us, sorry for your past relationship experiences, we all go through the rough sea on our little love boat before we reach the final destination of are hearts , very best of luck with everything you do my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh Zoe you will be surprised with how many people feel along the same lines. We all lose our spices once in a while just to re-discover again.

    You will be fine. You will find all your favourite spices combination and live to see the spice girls reunion with post in it this time🥰😆

    #Comfyclothesalltheway ✌🏽

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I do sympathize with you and hopefully you already figure out who wanna be… I guess I’m lucky because I never even thought of thing like where or who I am… I don’t think I belong to any spice, because I think I got a little of everything (greedy much? 😄) but the thing is I just do what I like in the moment, even when people hurt me. What matter to me is that I don’t harm anyone.

    Spice girls is still the girl best band ever existed.

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  12. Very understandable to cut the past and certain relationship memories out of your life, But doesn’t that really leave you with gapping holes in remembering who you were and are now? I have found that selectively editing your memories is a much better solution – save and label the ones that bring you joy and want to savor over and over again and then excise the ones and parts of ones that you need to lock up in the Maximum Security section of your heart – never to escape into your head or a dream ever again! Seems to work great for me! LOL 🤣🤣🤣
    xoxo 😘💕🌹😊✨🤣

    Like

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