Same mistakes

I had a talk with my manager today about my progress and learning curve in my new job. It was a good talk. Way more positive than I’d pictured it beforehand (damn impostor syndrome) and a great clarification on my results these past few months. You see – when it comes to my new endeavors I tend to mostly focus on imperfections and occasions where not everything went absolutely right.

So as I was explaining some struggles I’ve had with slight (but in my head terrible) mistakes – I found myself proudly saying: ‘but at least I learn from them. I only make every mistake once. I’m just looking forward to when all the possibilities for new mistakes run out and it gets to be smooth sailing from then on.’

After that call ended I fell into pondering. Because that pride I’d claimed suddenly felt uncalled for. Because even when I don’t (re)make those silly mistakes at work…why do I in love? And what does that say about me?

In the great big burning heap of mistakes I have made in my lovelife so far – my past relationship (aka – the reason you’re even reading this blog in the first place) was the worst one out of all of them. By a landslide. And that’s saying something because I’ve been a total fuck-up-hoarder when it comes to love.

Yet this one is my biggest regret when it comes to matters of the heart and the one choice I passionately wish I could turn back time for, so as to prevent myself from making it. Coming from someone who generally advertises the total absence of regrets in her life. This was one.

Because by choosing to love a man who was, from the get-go, never capable of loving me the way I needed to be and desperately wanted to be loved – I’ve turned my quest for love into a poison that runs so deeply into my heart that most days I’m still not sure I will ever recover. Or rather – where I’m usually quite sure I never will.

And don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I (or rather we) didn’t see that ending coming. Hell. EVERYONE saw it coming. And it’s not that there were the standard sets of lies and deceit that break up a lot of potential couples. Not at all – we were good in the honesty department. And it’s definitely not that we didn’t try. Or that he didn’t do the work. Or that I didn’t attempt at compromise. It was none of those things.

In a different world. A different time in our lives. Or a different situation we would have had it all. He could have been the one. Would have. And as far as the shattered pieces of my heart often still murmur – should have. But that was never a viable option from that first moment and spark. Not in this life. It was never anything but the buildup to my greatest mistake.

No – actually – it was me willingly and knowingly stepping into territory thoroughly and totally unsuited to my personal survival under the guise of openmindedness and with the excuse of ‘trying everything once‘. It was me – with the most insecure heart and anxious-preoccupied attachment style and desperate need to be chosen thinking I could step into polyamory and escape unscathed. Thinking I could be with someone who in his core was unable to ever do the one thing I needed him to do most: choose (just) me. It was the biggest case of denial, the most crushing struggle and the one battle I could’ve never won regardless of any and all efforts made.

There is not one part of me that had any option of weathering through that fight for love. Because love – there definitely was. But as anyone that’s ever tried mixing water and oil, or cola and milk or business and pleasure will know: it can’t be done. Some things, no matter how badly you want them to, can’t mesh. No matter how hard you stir. Try. Or wish to. That fight was already lost before it started. And looking back we always knew. It’s the STILL attempting it that will always be my mistake.

But that – in itself – should still be a lesson that holds value. This heartbreak should still have its worth if I’d take the knowledge gained to heart. All of this could still have merit if it’d lead to me choosing healthier and better options FOR ME in the future.

And if I’d uphold my words to my manager – learning from my mistakes and only making them once…I’d be golden.

So why is it that recently my dumb ass self sees herself flirting with that-man-chronically-incapable-of-choosing-me. Followed up by messages to-and-from mr-polyamory-himself?

Why is it that in unguarded moments I seem to be so determined to set myself up for that same sort of failure again and again before my brain kicks back in and tells me I’m a fucking idiot that never learns? Am I that much of a broken record? Do I still not TRULY believe that I deserve better? That I need something different? That I am worthy of the type of love that I want? Am I just learning reallyreally slowly? Or am I just so addicted to drama and heartbreak that I willingly invite it into my life?

It’s a puzzle I’ve yet to complete – that is undoubtedly rooted deeply into unsolved issues of all of the classic categories and undeniably something I will struggle with for many a year to come (read: always) but hey… they always say that admitting the problem is the first step to fixing it, right?

Step one: scratching dude 1 and 2 up there off the menu. I can totally do this. I think. I hope. Sigh.

Ps. Yes. I do realize I have written several variations of this post-and-rant ordeal before. I refer the ones feeling like they’re recycling comments to the ‘broken record’ sentence πŸ˜…πŸ€ͺ I do hear you, I do appreciate it – but the lesson doesn’t seem to stick yet.

44 thoughts on “Same mistakes

  1. wow way too much
    i will never love that way
    nor be loved
    autism
    is the reason
    do not over analyse
    let go
    let be
    see the now
    and how
    you can be happy
    with yourself
    no matter what
    you are your curse
    or gift
    good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember those days. Although I never ventured there, there is something attractive to being unattached, yet attached. In having the thrill, but not the issues. Then come the issues. They always come, eventually. I have no advice except one. Remember that each experience is going to become a memory. Make it a good one. Don’t let them be a part of your past unless they are truly worth it. And trust me. Most won’t.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I am going to stick my neck put here and say – mistakes at work and learning from them is one thing…..but matters of the heart are just on a whole other level. Even when we think we understand a mistake or a relationship that did not work out – our hearts are just suckers for punishment sometimes – we risk so much in our quest to find the bona fide “this is awesome!” feelings that we know should come along when we meet someone who ticks lot s of boxes and makes our heart go boom boom!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. We are human and all mess up. Forgive yourself but I hope you realize you deserve to be loved just for being you and that you deserve to be loved by one man who loves only one woman and treats you special. Bless you this thanksgiving and you are blessed I am sure for many reasons. Best to you. Love ❀️ and hugs πŸ€— Joni

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The more thrill-seeking/impulsive (chronically short of dopamine!) people I’m sure find romance even more of a tricky point with this kind of thing, because it is such a dopamine-booster. So that’s possibly a piece of the self-awareness that may apply.

    You reminded me of this latest episode of this podcast I listen to which mentions imposter syndrome and how it comes up in every single episode (with every guest):
    https://www.fasterthannormal.com/mental-health-for-creative-professionals-w-recording-artist-songwriter-publisher-jenna-andrews/

    It was a really entertaining episode. I feel positive that you’d relate to a lot of things which come up in that podcast.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am absolutely incapable of listening to people talk for a time so podcasts are never really well-spent on me but the dopamine-addiction makes total sense. I suppose drama does supply something I might just be lacking. Yikes!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Haha! I actually know what you mean. I only listen to them whilst doing other things like jobs at homeβ€” they’re perfect for that. I use them to make boring things fun. Or when driving. Also I realised it depends on the person speakingβ€” if they speak fast it’s much betterβ€” but also podcast apps let you speed them up!! So for slow people I am sometimes running at 1.8x speed lool.

        Faster Than Normal has this in mind and keeps episodes to 20 mins ;). That’s hilarious though because what you just said simultaneously makes you a perfect candidate for listening to it πŸ˜†.

        But yeahβ€” with dating I meant more the general dopamine-hit being harder to resist, but I also agree that drama might have a similar attraction. ADHD-people certainly find their fair share of drama!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Your Mind Doesn’t
    Give A Damn
    Your Heart
    Wants
    To Beat
    Whatever
    It Takes
    Therefore
    The State
    Of Humanity
    Only β€˜Fools’ β€˜Think’

    It’s

    Rational

    Been Watching

    The News Lately

    Hehe Oh

    The Romance

    Of The Love

    Life Dark

    And Light

    There Are The

    Players And

    Those Who

    Are Played

    THere Are Others

    Who β€˜See’

    Twilight

    Accept

    It

    aLL AND

    F iN Thrive

    Happy Thanks

    Giving For

    Giving

    We Become

    What

    We

    Give or TakeπŸπŸƒ

    From Florida Flowers

    With Enough Colors😊🌞

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow! I so loved this, Z!!! Your writing style is so wonderful and refreshing to read! This was so honest, heartfelt and insightful!! It almost felt like I was listening to the devil on your left shoulder and the angel on your right one discussing you and trying to be persuasive!! I loved it, so delightful to read – so many great seeds of inspiration here to go back through and glean. Bellissimo, Zoe, Bellissimo!!
    xoxo πŸ˜˜πŸ’•πŸŒΉπŸ˜

    Especially loved your line, well one of many:
    And as far as the shattered pieces of my heart often still murmur – should have. You may enjoy my piece – Her Mosaic heart???

    https://thereluctantpoetweb.wordpress.com/2018/04/02/her-mosaic-heart/

    I am not a good picker when it comes to romance but I have learned that you need to find the one person that can’t live without you (your guy deserved a much sooner and harsher exit than you gave him). A motto I love is “Life is too short to be anything but happy”. So when someone shows you they aren’t right for you then we need to believe and accept it and not put off the inevitable until later. “Not everybody is Worthy of Your time”.

    Like

  8. Highly interesting Zoe, this new info (to me) about the failed venture into polyamory. It’s the kind of thing some people fantasize about but very few can actually do. It’s lame to hear that he may well have been Mr. Perfect or almost perfect aside from that one (very Big) problem. If I read right anyway (I have to admit sometimes I read fast). I really hope you meet a man who is all about you and has no interest in poly. I guess now if you sniff that out in a guy you can just shut down, bail and say “bye bye” early in. Sounds like I need to go find these early blog posts about all this it’s interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha you’re definitely right. These days at the first mention of the word poly or open I check out immediately πŸ˜†πŸ€£
      Saves a lot of time, that’s for damn sure 🀭

      And the man-all-about-me?
      Here’s hopin! 🀞

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow, I feel I could be writing this post myself in x amount of time. I’ve been wrestling with these feelings for almost a year, having fallen for a truly polyamorous person when in my heart I’m ENM at best. Or I’m poly but absolutely hierarchical. I need to know that if someone is my primary, I come first for them.

    Can’t wait to read more of your posts. Scary as they may be for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m both elated at the resonating quality, but sorry that you went through the same thing.
      And yes, I recognize the hierarchy need (but for me that adds to an unwillingness to add more people to that hierarchy). The whole thing is just not meant for me, I will never even give it another attempt in whatever construction, haha. Done.

      Liked by 1 person

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