Flower-hell

My boss called me today:
Someone wants to send you….something. Is it ok if I give them your home address?

She refused to elaborate any further.
The MONSTER.

It will most probably not surprise you that I do not like surprises. Which obviously has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a total control freak. Really. NOTHING.
Fuck. Even I don’t believe that.

But I caved, and said it was fine if she shared my address with whoever this mysterious person is that wants to send me mysterious thingamabobs, whatever they may be.

Which means that for the entire afternoon I have obviously been pondering who this person could be (obviously not a colleague, because I’m assuming they’d be able to get a hold of my address rather quickly) AND what it could possibly be that they need to send me. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. Fingers crossed that it’s not a horses head!

Overall – I’m a VERY easy person to give things to. I’m like that kid that is over the moon with a banana in a bag, with pretty much anything you give me. I was raised to be grateful and I like enough different (and easy to get) things that it ain’t hard to get me bouncing from joy over a gift.

EXCEPT for when you give me flowers.
Seriously.
Fucking flowers.

I am a sucker for food. You can make me happy with sweets. There’s no going wrong with wine or other sorts of booze and I’ll honest to god actually wear whatever items of clothing you see fit to award me. I’m friggin’ Dobby with a sock when it comes to clothes. They’re all awesome. Plus – I love candles, and bath-related items. Love games, and board games and jewelry and and and and. I am NOT a hard person to give a gift. Honestly. Just showing up and caring is already appreciated!

EXCEPT FOR THOSE DAMN FLOWERS.
Nothing screams ‘useless‘ to me like a bunch of rapidly dyeing and impossible-to-save colorful yet getting-petals-everywhere flowers. It doesn’t matter if they’re professionally twisted into the loveliest bouquet, or freshly picked from the neighbors yard. It doesn’t matter if they’re ‘supposed to keep for two weeks at least‘ or if ‘they’re really easy to dry yourself‘. I do NOT. Like. Flowers.
At all. I wouldn’t even like them if they DID keep for longer than the blink of an eye. It’s just not a thing for me. EVEN when it’s friggin’ prince charming toting a human-sized bundle of roses picked from the top of Mount Doom. I’d send him straight back for a cask of mead and a haunch of boar instead.

So now I sit here, not just wondering at why there’s unknown strangers out there calling my boss to send me things, but also at what that something could possibly be. It’s excruciating. Mindboggling. Horrendous. This is going to kill me all weekend if the mail doesn’t show up with said posted thing tomorrow.

And honestly.
I’m just hoping it’s not flowers.
Please don’t be flowers.
Hell. I’d even prefer the horses head. I think I could at least make ‘zuurvlees‘ from that.

56 thoughts on “Flower-hell

  1. Oh God, I’m the same. I do not understand the point of being gifted flowers – a potted plant I don’t mind but flowers just wilt away in a few days. It boggles my mind that someone would think that a gift that adds no value to one’s life will make them happy! Or maybe I’m too materialistic and don’t enjoy the simplistic joy of flowers? But it annoys me that people would waste money on flowers – just give me the damn money instead. πŸ™ˆ

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol…well, that’s pretty clear, you don’t like flowers. Completely agree though, definitely not a fan of those myself. If a horses head is a good substitute for those pesky dying nature things though? Not to sure about that! πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t wanna sound all doomy… but something about this is screaming flowers. Although the hint of secrecy always holds out the hope of something wildly unexpected.

    πŸ™πŸ¦‰πŸ¦πŸ¦πŸΆπŸ†πŸ¦ŠπŸ¦πŸ¦’πŸ«πŸΏπŸ¦…πŸ¦†πŸ° (maybe not the giraffe)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha just left
    Another Country
    Where We Agreed
    We Can’t
    Vacation
    From
    Word Press
    For All The
    Flowers And
    Smiles We
    Receive
    True
    Gardens
    Vary There
    Are So Many
    Flowers Where
    i Live True
    They
    Are
    HARD
    To Give
    Away to the Rest Yet

    i

    Love Pet
    πŸͺ¨ Rocks

    Too

    Hell Shoot

    Me To The

    Dark

    Side

    Of The

    Moon 🌚 True

    Never Appreciated

    Flowers Much

    When

    i Lived
    On Just Another
    Side of A Moon

    That

    Never
    Runs
    Out of Grey
    Scale Stones

    Or

    Diamonds…

    Views Do Vary
    On Both Sides of

    A

    🌝 Moon 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Those messy bastards belong outside and should never cross the threshold of an occupied dwelling. πŸ˜†
    I appreciate the way you snuck in your Xmas list into your post. Now I know what to get you. Anything but πŸ’

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Interestingly, I know and have known several women who feel the same way as you about flowers — not always so forcefully expressed but…

    I’m looking forward to your update when this mystery gift arrives.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you! Someone said it! I also don’t like getting flowers. You’re not giving me a gift, you’re giving me homework. I don’t want to look after it and I don’t want to watch it die slowly. Just stick to chocolate.

    All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’ve learned now from giving a lady flowers that it’s a sign the relationship is cursed. That I need to reconsider buying them, and immediately ask for help. The first time was an african scammer (I was a dumbass, lonely, desperate 23 year old), and the second was a crush hiding her relationship status. So, I’m only buying flowers for the dead from now on, because there’s no mystery. I believe I learned my lesson 😬

    Liked by 1 person

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