Demons

Me and my demons are intimately acquainted. I spent a good long while hunting them all down. Getting to know their ways. Learning their names. Hearing their stories and listening to their whispers. I found the places they dwell, the nooks and crannies where they hide. I’ve discovered their purposes and their preferences. Know the company they keep and have seen what they feed on. Feast on.

I know my insecurity loves the company of rejection and am painfully aware that anger and sadness are often in cahoots. I know the criticisms cast by jealousy find interested ears in loneliness and have no doubt that fear always teams up with anxiety to reach their maximum potential in working towards their goals of destruction of happiness and peace.

Me and my demons are no strangers. We’ve worked together and against each other. We’ve battled and we’ve embraced. We are at constant odds yet undeniably together. In the war against what they represent, I have more than once become exactly what they’ve always told me I was. I’ve been wretched. Fearful. I’ve been ugly, and I’ve behaved it. I’ve felt and acted worthless. I’ve been the puppet they always need me to be.

And most of all, I’ve lowered myself to all their deepest levels in my effort to bring them down. Played at their game, repaid them in kind. I’ve spent my time at rock bottom, in their company alone. But I’ve also fought my way back up, stepping on their claws, and fangs and scales to work myself up to where they cannot follow. I’ve created the armor needed to keep them at bay and spoken the words that will take their power from them. I know their weaknesses and I can fight their advance. Always.

Yet my demons are never bested, only pushed back. For a while. For a moment. For a time. A victory might mean a moment respite, but they’ll always lie in wait. They plot and they scheme, they plan and they conspire. They wait around every corner, lurk at every turn. They find me at every crossroad and attempt to push me towards their side of every fork in the road. They change my course almost as often as their efforts are thwarted. They are at the steering wheel as much as myself, even when I try to be the captain of my own fate.

Me and my demons are one. We are the same though we’re undeniably different. We’re the inseparable parts of a whole that can never incomplete. I am them. They are me. We are me. Me and my demons are the epitome of imperfect perfection. And for that I love them as much as I hate them.

53 thoughts on “Demons

  1. Raises so many thoughts and feelings in me, reading this – particularly now, at one of those crunch times where everything is shifting.

    It’s exciting to read somebody engaging passionately with their demons like this, and following the words where they go.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Nicely written Zoe. You have summed up our constant battle with demons. There are too many of them and we have to keep them at bay. We must learn to be happy with that. I hope all is well with you. Take care. Scott

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Zoe, you are a brilliant writer. While many will sympathize with the emotions and the story therein, I cannot help but step back and admire the strength and flow of your prose. I also, of course, relate to the demon dance. But what a creative way you have of expressing it. Thus far, I see too that you are The Entertainer and The Comedian and I have a bit of that. And I know how sometimes The Entertainer is just herself being her silly self but how at other times it’s a bit of a coping mechanism for pain and dark things. Well. I went further in with that than I intended, ha! Suffice to say this writing obviously spoke to me. Thank you for expressing yourself!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I do hope you have an About page which I am preparing to look for. I’ve been following a bit, enough to pick up things here and there. And I’m just thinking who *is* this IT professional (I believe?) who also speaks Dutch, appears to then live abroad, and can also write brilliantly and is obviously very smart??? hopefully that doesn’t come across a bit creepy but when people see a flash of genius / brilliant cray cray, they can’t help but be curious.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahaha – love this comment thread xD
        Thanks for the amazing compliments as well as the recognition on a more personal level, it’s much appreciated!

        And glad my About page solved that mystery for you πŸ˜‰

        I am indeed Dutch, born, raised and currently located. Dutch also happens to be my mother tongue. And yeah…the cray cray is definitely a thing 🀭😜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha – I’ve always had a thing for languages and English somehow always suited me better for writing. It’s a much more versatile and intensely beautiful language than plain old Dutch πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ€ͺ
        Glad it doesn’t show that I’m not English-raised 🀭

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    My demons have saved me going to places where my sanity (innocence and naivety) would have easily taken. There are two sides to everyone i.e. good and the vice which makes them the whole. Trying to come off as someone one is not 100% is only a self-deception, nothing else. People see us far better than we’d want to see ourselves if we negate or try to conquer/erase our own demons. The more one is able to embrace and clearly/openly shows to the world, the better and easier one becomes at relationships.

    I’d rest my pen now and sip a bit of coffee that some very beautiful hands made especially for me.

    Cheers! πŸ™‚

    Like

  6. The lyrics and song pretty much say it all about mental-health, anxiety/panic attacks, and how they can affect lives. The good news is… there’s help, there’s hope, there’s successful management of the disorder. πŸ™‚

    Can you relate Zoewiezoe? I can, totally.

    Like

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