Tinder Tales – Anal.

The unthinkable happened folks!
The world must be coming to an end! Apocalypse is nigh! Hell hath frozen over and the flying monkeys are soon to descend from Walhalla.

I sent someone a first message.

On a dating site.

For actual dating.

SHOCKING. I KNOW! I made the first move. Which, in many ways is UNIQUE!
Throughout my life I have happily made use of dating apps (and equally unhappily, I might add). And though I grunt and moan and nag and bitch at them – they do serve their purpose. And they do it well. But lately I was app-tired. Or well, tired of the ‘casual’ness that is connected to most, if not all, of these apps.

I felt myself craving a bit more. A real connection. An actual date that wasn’t just counting down minutes to get into pants or under dresses or onto a bed. So I went on a –gasp– actual dating site. Paid for a membership, filled out an EXCESSIVELY long profile with all the pretty pictures, and witty profile text and men-enticing interests. The works.

Now, you must know – I, as the strong independent woman that I am – love to be woo-ed. And woo-ing, as an act of woo, is to be done by a gentleman with the bravery to make the first move. If I ever were to join an app like Bumble where I’m obliged to take a first step I’d die dry and barren (although, arguably, I still might). I have not ever (ok, HARDLY ever) made ‘the move‘. I’ve never had to. I’ve never dared to. AND (as you might recall – that one time that I sorta did din’t end well).

But today, as I was exploring this dating website and a whole ‘new‘ pool of possible suitors (which is an overstatement seeing as I recognized pretty much the entire populus from Tinder) I found a profile that I actually….genuinely…loved. Was wow-ed by. Got enthused about.

Bart.

Bart, according to his ACTUALLY WORDY PROFILE TEXT was a doctor working as a neurologist-swoon-. He had interesting hobbies, and not one picture of him holding a fish or riding an elevator. There were three hilarious puns in his captions AND he listed one of my favorite fantasy series as a must-read. I was smitten.

So, unlike EVERY usual timid, shy, wallflowery part of me – I brought up the courage and wrote HIM a message, instead of wishing and praying on the goddesses of love that he might notice and adore me alike I did him.

It was a great message. An awesome message. It might even have been the best message ever – formatted exactly as I would want a first message sent to me to be. There was a witty anecdote, some tie-ins to his profile text to show that I’d actually read it, and to end it all I figured I’d try something supercheesy that EVERYONE always does, with five winks, to show him that I didn’t take dating too seriously. ‘and I’ll end this message with a freebie. You can ask me ANY question you’d like. No ramifications.
I. made. an. Effort.

So when my inbox thingy blinked red with a notification, I rejoiced. I leaped up, anxious and excited to read this prince charmings well-worded reply to my perfect first message. I was already planning first dates, and rose petalled beds in saucy hotels near a beach and naming the kids I definitely do not want to be having.

But, as the world has a tendency to do, my ‘fresh start‘ and daring venture and mission to unroot ZoΓ«’s world of dating into an apocalypse was thwarted before it had a true chance to start.

There sat his message.

‘Doe je anaal?’
‘Do you do anal?’


Nothing more. Nothing less. Classy Bart. Classy.
And all was well with the dating world once more.


Up for some more Tinder Tales?
Keep reading:

Tinder Tales – Picture Perfect
Tinder Tales – Virtually Unique
Tinder Tales – Why ARE we here?
Tinder Tales – Darn those algorithms!

Tinder Tales – Anal.
Tinder Tales – Picky

Tinder Tales – But what does it mean?!
Tinder Tales – The curious case of the neckbeard

89 thoughts on “Tinder Tales – Anal.

  1. Well, do you? πŸ˜‚

    I share your pain. I too have built a dream life with a photo on a screen and imagined the happy ever after where we blissfully skip along the shoreline, cuddle up on the sofa devouring wine and chocolate and co-own a dog named Herbert.

    You at least got a message back so you’re comfortably beating me πŸ₯΄

    Liked by 2 people

    1. If he hadn’t replied I could’ve at least still fantasised a while about how he bravely perished fighting 3 robbers in a home invasion while typing his reply to me πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

      Herbert is an awesome dog name!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Damn!!! Guess he used your freebie question way to seriously πŸ™„ but your still lucky cause you atleast got a reply! Maybe not the one you were expecting though!Good luck finding someone who actually wants to build that connection πŸ‘

    Liked by 2 people

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  3. Heh heh heh heh. I’m sorry to hear that prince charming is not so after all. However, congrats to you for dropping some balls and making the first move. Maybe it will work out better next time :).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s cured me of the intent for a good long while I fear XD
      But who knows. There might be a Bart 2.0 waiting out there for me. At least the attempt makes for good writing material. So who knows!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I seldom comment on your blog because most of the time I feel pretty speechless. I don’t know what to say because…well, I just don’t know what to say. There is one point about this story that I am having a difficult time believing. Now, I believe everything you said about liking to be wooed and wowed and that is all as I think it should be (as if you needed my approval, lol) but for some reason, the idea that you are timid, shy, and wallflowery just doesn’t jibe to me somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha – I love how it’s that line that made you come out of the woodworks to comment (and I love how there’s such a compliment hidden in your surprise). Sadly, I’ll have to assure you that it’s true. Only when it comes to interactions with men I’m interested in though, when it comes to ‘normal’ situations and parties and such, I indeed hold no such qualities πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my…..Did he really say that? πŸ™ˆ I want to believe that you came up with this for the fun of this post. But as a guy who tries his best to be respectful and mature whenever I’ve tried these dating apps, I can confirm that this story of yours is not one of a kind. Sorry, don’t mean to sound like it holds no value. I just mean that apparently most men on these dating apps are literally the same as this guy you mentioned. I’ve been applauded for my behavior (I feel no accomplishment for it) and then told about the horrible stories once they understand I’m not on their same path. I continuously got shocked of how these men have kept lowering the bar. Although one would think that it helps out the ones like me that don’t misbehave. But on the contrary, many times women have such low expectations from us that none take you seriously when you’re being genuinely nice and interested. Thanks to all the assholes I have to pay for their idiocy right from the beginning as If I was the one who started on the wrong foot. It’s frustrating having to prove how you’re not unworthy instead of just proving you’re worthy. Nowadays, us men are a joke to most women. I can’t blame women to feel that. They kinda should definitely feel entitled to judge all men in the worst way right from the starting line. Sadly…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha – admittedly, I COULD easily have made this up, but alas, it is the actual truth of the matter.
      And I can understand your feelings on the matter coming from the opposite side. I do, indeed, treat everyone as guilty until proven innocent these days, instead of the other way around. Everyone starts in the negatives and have to earn their points into grace instead of starting at 0 and determining their own fates. But yeah, you nice guys do have all the douchewads in the dating world to thank for that.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I wonder if the guy has worked out yet why he is still single πŸ€”πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I wonder if that would have been his opening question on a blind date with somebody! Or he may have got the starters out of the way first? Haha

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Such a courageous story and I was actually happily smiling all the way down, reading your blog. Genuinely happy you made all those new steps: a new ‘channel’. the first move, a brave text and well composed text-message (many of us can imagine what you’re capable of).

    Then … sorry … al loud burst of laughter!! πŸ˜‚ (Again: sorry).

    If you didn’t want us to know all of this (or if you don’t want us to chuckle about this plot) you shouldn’t have shared it. So, I don’t think you’re bothered by us smiling or laughing, at all.

    Let me say: if you had this all made up just to make us laugh out loud, you succedeed for every inch and word of your text. You’re THE BEST !

    If however it, as I pressume, this is a factual respresentation of your latest ‘Tinder’-like experiences, it doesn’t make the average men on those sites / Apps look any bit the gentlemen you’re looking for.

    Sad. Very Sad.

    But you also made me very curious: what was your answer to Bart’s question?
    Do you actually do … πŸ˜‰ (pun intended)?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was sitting here reading this going like ‘courageous? what’s courageous about this.’
      It only hit me later that you meant the ‘first step’ part that I’d totally calculated out at the focal point of this story :X
      Whoops!

      It was mostly meant for laughs, not for courage haha!

      As for what I replied to Bart – thou all shalt never know.
      But I am a woman of my word so when I say ‘no ramifications’ you can imagine I will at least still have answered truthfully >:)

      Liked by 1 person

  8. That was always one of the first questions a friend of mine would ask women. He really really liked anal, but it’s also a great way to quickly rule out people who are not sexually compatible.

    Personally, I’ve always thought that guys who love anal probably have small dicks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do agree that it can be (and probably is) a very valid question on his part, but in general he might want to opt for a bit more a lead-in to questions like that, regardless of dick size, teehee!
      More chance of actually getting to the point of where it becomes relevant XD

      Like

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