Brainzzz ajumble.

My mind is a mess today. Sort of. My brain does that to me, every once in a while. Bastard. It goes full rogue rebellion on me and clamors for mutiny at the top of it’s non-existent voice. It’s a hard concept to describe, this type of mess that I mean, but I’ll make an effort regardless.

I have always seen my inner workings as, sort of, separate from myself. Sure, it’s my brain, my mind and my thoughts – but they tend to operate on a different plane of understanding most of the time. And some days, it denies me access to this very plane. Which is a very strange sort of feeling to have, as you might be able to imagine. Being an outsider looking in on your own windows, in a way.

It’s a control issue. It’s like the cogs and wheels in my head are spinning at full speed, and I can feel them doing just that. Forming idea after idea, concept after concept. Threading brain waves into thought trains and building pyramids of knowledge. But not permitting me entry to any of them. A feeling of having so much to say (or write) without actually being capable of doing so, knowing it’s all there, just outside your reach.

It’s like my body is trying to form a sentence without being able to pluck the words from thin air. I’ll go for the Harry Potter reference here: in the first Harry Potter movie there’s this moment where he ends up in a room full of flying keys, trying to grab the right one. Which is exceedingly hard since they’re all in full flight, tumbling and turning and swooping over, past, next to and into eachother. This is how my brain feels today. Full. Overflowing and in total chaos, without me being able to re-order those thoughts cause they’re flighty bastards and exist just out of the realm of my grasping hands.

Days like today suck. They’re draining. Painful. Stupid. Fearful.

Some days, however, this degree of separation can also be harnessed to my advantage. Again, it’s hard to explain, but sometimes when I’m doing certain types of work (like writing, planning, spread-sheeting or organizing things) I’ll switch to an auto-pilot kind of mode where I loosen the reigns to my brain, at which point it has no problem taking over and just ‘doing what has to be done‘. Without me having to allocate energy towards the process.

Do you know that feeling of surprise that you sometimes get when your brain drops an interesting bit of information out of nowhere, and you sit there wondering how you even knew this? Pondering that you didn’t even know how you knew this. THAt you knew this. And imagining just how much other things you might know without you knowing it?

I can give in to this feeling so completely that my mind is free to produce all this unknown yet always present knowledge and apply it to whatever task I’m doing. Where I find a way to ignore the fact that I should understand how my mind works and be in control of that process, and instead just accept the simple fact that I don’t and make use of its full capacities anyway. Accepting that I don’t need to understand the concept for it to be useful to me. Adopt the ‘If it works, it works‘ attitude. These are moments that I get SO much stuff done, without even having a grip on how I’m doing them. Or (and that’s where it gets really awkward) much memory of having done them.

My writing is the ultimate example of this behavior. Oftentimes I’ll write things down in that brain-mode without conscious control. Instead of summoning words forward and using them as I feel fit to express the things I want to say, I just let the texts flow and see where they take me. Which, a lot of the times, results in me being able to read back my ‘own‘ words and not recognize the results.

It’s why you can have me read texts that I wrote weeks ago and me not having a single notion that I wrote them myself. I could write a frigging book and then, in a year or so, read it as if it was the first time and written by a completely different person. And it’s how you can quote my own lines back to me and then see me go ‘that’s an awesome line! Where’s it from?’ or just sit there looking puzzled. ‘Did I really write that? When?‘. I’m the type of person that you actually CANNOT hold to her words, because in a lot of the cases – I might not even remember them being mine.

Some days – I like the freaky world that lives inside my head. Appreciate it. Utilize it. Some days I can use it to push forward in life. Optimize it’s potential. And then there’s days like today where I’m just locked out, and wondering if and when my brain will let me back in. If ever. Feeling just quite plainly insane. Knowing that I must be, if I’m like this. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t. But maybe it doesn’t need to. Maybe this is just how my brain rebalances itself. Or maybe I am just completely cuckoo. OPTIONS OPTIONS!

9 thoughts on “Brainzzz ajumble.

  1. Do what I’m about to do…a nice long walk in the freezing cold and forceful wind. Clears the head, the lungs and the soul.

    Caveat – I will smoke at least two cigarettes on this walk 🙈

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  2. Don’t fight it. Accept it. It’s (an integral part of) you. And it has brought you this far in life and it will continue to bring you new horizons and experiences that will fuel your creativity (which I hope you will share with us in these marvelous blogs).

    Today might not be a good day, but as you’ve written: it’s not the first time. You’ll survive. And you’ll florish … again & again. Keep going forward! 😊

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  3. Sometimes it’s as if your subconscious tries to take control, the physical too risky, maybe (depends on who with, and where, and what you do?) – so, you let go with the alternative, letting words flow with no barriers, no boundaries, no consequence unless you leave them lying about! From what you’ve posted, my guess, your subconscious and the you feel you know are close – and that’s a compliment from both of me I think!

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  4. Autotelic Flow
    Journey Now Path
    P R E S E N T Gift
    Joy FoCuSinG
    On ONE TASK
    ONLY Laser
    Indeed Sweet
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    Tween
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    Indeed As Science
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    Natural Zen
    Moving
    Tao
    Meditatiing
    No Woo Baby
    Brain Scans
    All Lit Up
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    Science Shows
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    500 And
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    Bodily Systems
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    As All
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    In Stress
    Naturally
    Biologically
    And in Almost
    Non-Measurable
    Feelings And
    Senses
    Do
    Degrade
    In The Art
    Of All We
    Do Living
    Life Does the
    Monkey Focus
    On More
    Than
    Climbing
    Does The Hawk
    Focus on More
    Than Flying
    Lest
    Both
    Fall
    Down
    True Quiet
    Enough in
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    To Escape Predator
    Balance Enough
    In Fight
    Of Loud
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    Prey and The
    Rest in
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    After The Rest
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    For the
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    Didn’t need
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    Just
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    My Feral
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    Tai
    Chi
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    All Natural
    Breathing all
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    Boy But Like
    All The Other
    Animals
    Not
    Slave
    To A
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    Now Full of Idols; Abstract
    Constructs, Words; Illusions
    Of Time, Distance,
    Space, And
    Other
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    Generated Delusions
    That Cat’s Real
    Name
    Is
    Wave
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    Particle
    In Flow
    In Deed
    Far Beyond
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    This
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    Forever
    Now
    Do
    More
    New
    Keep
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    Don’t Look Back
    Have A Nice Day…
    Still Doing
    My Best
    To Be
    Forest
    Gump
    With
    Such
    A Big
    Neo-Cortex
    Head HeHe Yes
    SMiLes🎶🙌😁🦅

    Like

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