People like patterns. Routines. Set sequences of activities in hierarchical order executed at expected times during mapped out time-spans. We’re creatures of habit that way. Which is fine. It’s fine. Totally fine.

Until it’s not fine. Until it becomes an imposition on the way you fill your days and the way you distribute your energy. Because sometimes – you just don’t feel like ‘doing things the way you’re supposed to’. Some days ‘living up to expectations‘ is a chore-too-far.
(omg how clever is that wordplay on a door too far?!)
And since ‘following the herd‘ is not (and has never been) my penultimate goal in life – I have spent a lot of years teaching myself that it IS ok to (want to) override these patterns. And choose yourself and your own needs over what is expected. I suppose that’s where 2020 hypeword ‘Selfcare‘ found its birthing place.

These are the days that I personally can NOT deal with the phrase ‘have to‘. Someone will tell me ‘you have to…somethingorother‘ and all my mouth is willing to reply is (in Dutch, obviously): ‘Ik moet niks!‘ (I don’t ‘have to’ anything).
(Exactly the reason why all those management books teaching you how to be a great leader always warn against using words like ‘must‘ and ‘have to‘ and ‘need to‘)

These are the days that I cancel things. Cancel activities. People. Promises. Not in that unbearable sjw #cancelculture way but simply in the ‘I‘m scratching things from my agenda for some much needed me-time‘ way. And I don’t have to justify that choice to anyone – which pretty much means that anyone thinking they have a say in such matters gets a less than pleasant treatment (sorrynotsorry).

These are sadly also the days that I start viewing those simple, boring, household questions that everyone ask in their mindless chats as frigging booby-trapped trick questions.

An innocent:
‘Hey, how’ve you been?’
Is suddenly a question asked by someone who MUST be thinking I’m having a mental breakdown or something right?
Fine? Why? What’ve you heard?!’

And someone asking me for my plans for the day makes me feel like I SHOULD be doing something with my day, because saying ‘I got nothing planned‘ every damn time feels so lifeless. Like I should be booking my agenda full of exciting things. While we’re in damn lockdown.
I’m couchpotatoing and Netflixing. Like everyone. Duh. Why. Are you going skydiving into a dunktank filled with sharks or something?‘ (but that’s not a socially acceptable answer, eh?).

These are also the days when a question-out-of-interest suddenly feels intrusive judgement. For instance: that one obsession for a lot of people (dinnertime – wtf, why is that of importance to you?) triggers the over-the-top dramaqueen that is inside me:
‘What are you making for dinner tonight?’

(And then I sit there imagining their semi-shocked and semi-amused face at the silliness of that answer). Meanwhile my head will go: -Suck it. I don’t have to conform to people-who-cook. I can just order in food and that won’t make me a failure at being a human.-. While they were just interested in what would be on my plate. Whoops!

The thing is: I realize all too well that, on most of my days and in most socially accepted regards – I do not fit the bill. Nor would I want to. But I want people to think that I do (#contradictions). Yet I desperately want to make my own patterns. I hold to my own routines. I follow my own trends. #IdowhatIwant.

I WILL have dinner for breakfast (starting the day with pizza is just awesome). I will make breakfast for dinner (because pancakes are just a meal. No argument). I will answer plain questions with complicated answers (I’ll let you know how I actually am instead of going the standard ‘good’ at the how’re you? question) and I will withhold any sort of detail on a question asked out of genuine interest. I can spend the nightly hours doing daytime things and have no qualms napping away my Sundays.

And regardless how wrong that behavior is for society. For me that way of living is more than OK.
Even if that means sometimes posting silly rants like this in the relatively anonymous freedom of the web, hoping to find like-minded souls that tell you that you’re not wrong for behaving like you want to instead of like you’re expected to.

55 thoughts on “#IdowhatIwant

  1. I have a feeling I ‘m about to enter one of those zones where the world is suddenly full of people who feel qualified to judge what I ought to be doing… and to nudge me in that direction.
    What makes it sadder is that they’ll be using some wellness schtick to prod me into places that, if I go, will not leave me feeling well.
    But it’s… fine.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I feel like my constant reply to your posts are – “Oh God, so relatable!”

    I moved back home after 5 years to get through this crazy time and my parents DO NOT get my this attitude. Argh! But I stick to doing what I want to do and you should too.

    PS: Happiness is cancelling plans and staying home in PJs!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Next time someone asks me about my plans for the weekend, I’m going to tell them that I’m going skydiving into a dunktank filled with sharks.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to do what you want. If it doesn’t suit someone else, that’s their problem.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Love it! Keep making you happy by doing what you want. I need to take a leaf out of your book, far too often I’m apologising for being myself and acting the way I do.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is so true! Sometimes, following the norms and demands of society is exhausting. They expect you to be someone you’re not really suppose to be then criticize you for being different. Can we just live and be ourselves?

    Anyway, thank you for this post. This is relatable and very true.

    Keep safe always! 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  6. SMiLes i ALWaYS Do
    What i Want to Do
    And Always Treat
    People Nice
    As They
    ‘Deserve’ to
    Be Treated Just
    Because i Rarely
    Run out Of Energy
    And That is What i
    Wilt to Do By Love
    By The Way the
    So-Called ‘Beast’
    Named ‘Most
    In The
    World’ Last
    Century Brings
    Similar Advice
    Depends On
    Love to
    Do i Like
    Folks Who
    Tell The Truth
    No Matter What
    It is And Are Not
    Afraid or Too Weak
    To Express their Every
    Emotion to me my
    Says She’s
    Fine She
    Just calls
    Me an Ass
    When She
    Sees me As
    A Butt hehe
    And i Just say Yes
    Me Her Demon too..
    Haha I’m fine I HATE U…
    EYeS of the
    Don’t Get
    Filled… Just
    Generatin’ Winds…🌊🎶
    StaYiN’ Chillin’ Within⛵️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I gave up conformity a long time ago and it made me a better person. I save time by eating what I want rather than deciding what I should eat. I’ll watch a game with friends at noon and drink a scotch while they drink beer. Why? Because I like scotch.
    Your rants are so good. I love reading about Zoe being Zoe.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha – scotch wins out over beer ANY time. A man of taste!
      Although if I’d just eat what I want they’d have to find a towtruck to get me out of the house within a couple of weeks 🤣🤩

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Totally relate to everything. I also wonder how many people truly enjoy routines. There was a time in my life when I tried to follow the norm, but in the end, I got pretty exhausted. It’s hard trying to be someone you are not.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Of course you’re not wrong! …because then I’d be wrong too hèhèhè…
    About these how-are-you questions, and the common idea that you don’t answer the question but reply with the standard ‘good’, …. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around those. If you don’t want to know, then don’t ask. But that’s my weirdness, I guess, taking what people say to literally. ‘Feeling’ at the same time that they don’t mean it, is where I get lost in confusion…
    But anyway… sorry, that’s a whole different subject… 🙃🤓🤪

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Really enjoyed reading the post!! Everyone should follow their own story rules be themselves:) A very relatable post especially the meme💜
    Also, I have nominated you for the Ideal Inspiration Blogger Award. You can check the post here :https://wp.me/p9kms6-e1
    I hope you accept my nomination. Looking forward to hear from you😊😊
    Thank you 🌸

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much!
      Always great when people can relate (especially here!).
      And though I love the nomination – I don’t do the award-game so I’ll have to pass on that one. Thanks so much for thinking about me though! 🥳

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Fuck: what a great post! 😃

    So recognizable … even more so in these Corona-Times with all the ‘external’ patterns that we implicitly abide by broken down’, these days. In a way it’s – for me at least – also a way of re-inventing of figuring out what I would like to do now all the ‘external’ demands are out of sight. And yup: a lot of it is ‘different’ than my normal daily routine. Wait … did I just say MY? Why do we all live a life that we are supposed to live instead of following our own heart? Doing what we like best (at least in de proximity of our own houses)? Maybe it’s a good time to give it a thought. Thanx for setting the table, Zoë ! 😄

    Just Mick Jagger sang a long time ago: “I’m free to do what I want any old time …”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t ‘fix’ what doesn’t need any mending. And if you try to change (things): don’t have high expectations. It is what it is, and you are who you are (Anyone, not just ‘you’). Embrace the good in yourself as well as the ‘lesser’ or darker sides: it’s who you are.


  12. “I will answer plain questions with complicated answers (I’ll let you know how I actually am instead of going the standard ‘good’ at the how’re you? question”

    “And since ‘following the herd‘ is not (and has never been) my penultimate goal in life – I have spent a lot of years teaching myself that it IS ok to (want to) override these patterns. And choose yourself and your own needs over what is expected. I suppose that’s where 2020 hypeword ‘Selfcare‘ found its birthing place.”

    You’ve done the same as me. And guess what? Everybody else arrives at the same conclusions. EVEntually! Or during a pandemic or something. You’re doing things exactly correct in my opinion! I respect that, and I despite following the herd or societal expectations. I simply don’t understand them or the urge to follow begin with. Don’t apologise for being you, but set the example 😄.

    Liked by 1 person

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