A series of unfortunate (pet-)events

Disclaimer:
Before you start reading this: know that I am a true and honest petlover. I love the fluffy, the scaley, the scruffy and the slimy all in equal measure (except for wasps and jellyfish cause they freak me the fuck out). I cuddle puppers and have fostered loads of kittens and I volunteered at the animal shelters rescue ambulance so yaknow – I love beasties in general. But I also have a morbid sense of humor AND a long history of pet-insanity that led to this post (as inspired by a ‘goldfish escape’ in yesterdays Tinder Tales and Herbs request!). No harm was intentionally done here, but laughs there were a-plenty at their misfortunes.

Series 1: The slippery slope

Aquariums are DA BOMB. Seriously. I can park myself in front of one and just stare at the fishies for hours on end, especially if there’s some wavy water plants or bubbles in there. We used to have one when I still lived at home. And ours had this tiny cute little smiling eel-like creature in it. It was frigging adorable. Until one day…it wasn’t there anymore. Sad business. I must’ve spent three goes of cleaning the tank and looking for him, and an additional couple of hours staring at it, hoping he’d show.

Now. Fish have a habit of ‘disappearing’ (aka being eaten by bigger fish) but this particular creature would’ve been a tiny bit too big to have been eaten. So it was a mystery to us where the little bastard went. Until, months later, when we were moving the aquarium we found mister eel. The weirdo had (apparently) managed to slither out of the aquarium through the small gap where the air ventilation system dipped into the tank and went and fell down to the floor where he…welllll….shriveled up and petrified. YIKES!

Series 2: Does this castle make my ass look fat?

Our aquarium was always root of many a story with fish doing the weirdest of things. Like mister eel. And then there was the tragic tale of Fishy McFish. Fishy wasn’t the prettiest of fish, but boy, did he grow. A murky greyish yellow and definitely determined to become the biggest of his brothers and sisters the fastest, he was. He swam around the tank like he was the king of it, and in that capacity often perched in the arch of the obligatory little stone castle that we had smack damn in the middle of it.

One day I sat myself in front of the tank, looking at the fishies going about their day to day business. Except for Fishy McFish. He seemed very intent of guarding that little castles arch. A little bit too intent, I concluded after 3 minutes of watching him not move, before realizing he was literally…not…moving. I will spare you the gory details, but Fishy had grown so big that he’d got himself stuck in that arch and perished. We had to unceremoniously hack him out of that castle. YUCK!

Series 3: Big bird not big enough

Awww man. This one time we found a cockatiel sitting in the middle of the street. Obviously we took him home. The fact that the psycho was sitting right there might have warned us of the fact that we were taking in a not-really-normal bird. But hey, I loved birds and he needed help, you know. So we installed him in the house, and (I kid you not) this stray turned into the BEST (yet, weirdest) bird ever.

He was tame as the best of them, loved cuddles, had an obsession with tomato soup (which he’d used to dip his entire head into if he got the chance) and he LOVED our dogs. Used to flitter down and walk around like he was one of them. Wanted to be one of them, as such. A bit too much, as it turned out in the end.

We had a pug (the infamous Sjeng) around that time, and a Parson Jack Russell that both had issues with food. Which meant that around feeding time they’d start a contest of who could inhale their plate the soonest to then start ogling the remains of the other hoping they’d get a chance. Which was fine. Until this STUPID bird decided to land right in the middle of them during feeding time, like the ‘big dog’ that he was.

Not the greatest plan, I might add, and naturally he had one of them snap at him in protection of their bowl. He was untouched, mind you, just got a very close encounter with glistening white teeth. Enough to actually SCARE him to death right on the spot. A heart attack. Plop. He actually made one of those stiff and dramatic drops to the floor like they do in cartoons. Poor bird.

Series 4: I’m a bit tied up right now, baby

Apparently fish and birds had an interesting shelf life at our place. Or we just got the nutcases, also possible. Take for instance our voliere of goldfinches that we used to have outside in the yard. They were delightful little creatures, always busy working on something or others and chirping cheerily while doing so. At one point one little finch was born which…was a little slow (we always suspected). He was a fat chubby little thing, always fluffed up, a lot less flighty than his brothers and sisters and just a bit…funny. We loved him for it.

And then one time Dommie (a derogatory ‘Stupid’ in Dutch) decided he would have to make a nest. He worked on it diligently, plopping little bits of feather and twigs in a corner of the cage. So, we (as the accommodating pet owners) got him some nesting material. Stringy fibers very suitable for nestbuilding, specially sold by the pet store for that purpose. I wonder if they ever got any complaints from other people.

Because when we got down in the morning Dommie had strung himself up. The dumbass had gotten himself stuck in a tangle of the material and somehow managed to wrap it around one of the branches and…actually…hung…himself. We found him slightly swinging in the breeze. Dead as can be while trying to bring about new life. Damn tragic. But a teeny bit hilarious, at the same time. You shoulda seen him. It was funnier than it reads. Really!

I wonder what the common denominator was for all these accidents. Maybe…we were so horrible that all of them opted out in the most extreme of measures. Or maybe they were actually all just a little ‘special’ (like attracts like, after all). But all of them were awesome while they lasted, and unforgettable in their deaths. At least.

Maybe I should rethink getting a pet to help me through corona though…
Just maybe.


40 thoughts on “A series of unfortunate (pet-)events

  1. Oh zoe im very sorry your pets seem to die or kill themselves on purpose, but any time you want to have a friend sit with you while staring at a fish tank, i will be there for you, as we sit in silence don’t be surprised if i hold your hand, smile and understand that sometimes sitting without words is the best therapy we can both have. I love you forever my beautiful blog friend ❤

    Like

  2. Pets can do the weirdest things. We only have dogs and they are true weirdos. But it seems like your pets take the cake 🙂

    All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your goldfinch suicide story made me laugh out loud.

    As for fish, you’ve reminded me that my parents at one point decided try keeping goldfish. They also had a cat. They didn’t bother replacing the goldfish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are a silly silly bunch!
      My ex’s ex actually had one that had a poly-amorous relationship with two gay finches who’d take turns sitting on her egg while fighting for her attention. It was insanity! 🤭🤭

      Liked by 1 person

  4. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️. All of these stories are unbelievable! The Fishy McFish story is surely a classic cautionary tale.

    Maybe you are just choosing the most adventurous ones each time? Not impossible! Mister Eel’s tale was grim…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Omg those two birds😂😂
    I’m not a big animal/pet person anyway, but you have completely scared me out of ever getting a pet! Your stories are hilarious, but I would be terrified if I had to witness any of those events🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry that all these deaths have happened. There’s no need to feel bad though. I did a post that featured a meme of a cat in subzero temperatures which makes you feel sorry for the cat, but it’s funny because it’s true!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Humans Slowest
    Species
    oF All Yet
    FasTesT
    To Destroy
    NoW only
    Home they’ll
    Ever HaVE iN
    Name of Imagination
    Willing to Get
    Shot on
    5th
    Avenue
    Leaving early
    On their Own
    Accord Oh Lord
    Scarecrow Deficiencies
    Go Bold No Shame Sees🐒

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  8. I can imagine you wondering if getting a pet would break the curse…🤔😬
    It suddenly reminds of something that happened when I was living with friends, two brothers – in order to save money on rent – one of which was a biology student. A little while before, I had acquired some tiny pets (guppies in a bowl, and red-cheeked cordon-blues in a cage) that I would rather see living in freedom, but… anyway. I asked the brothers to take care of the critters in our living room during my vacation. When I came home, they had all perished. To which the biology student responded: Oh sh**! I completely forget!
    I don’t think he graduated.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow. When I read about the bird I remembered my daughter had a parakeet. One day it got out and was flying around and the dog caught it in its mouth. Did not hurt the bird and dropped it gently in my hand. The poor thing’s heart was beating hard and its breathing was labored and it died. We also had a “special” dog who was not afraid of anything. She couldn’t hear the larger dog’s growling and didn’t get the other signals the bigger dogs gave off. It freaked them out and she ruled over all the other critters. Animals are interesting. Thanks for the shout out, too.

    Liked by 1 person

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