“En wat zoek jij op Tinder, dan?’
Translation: ‘So, what are you looking for on Tinder?’
It is THE most seen line (by me, anyway) on Tinder that tends to come up in pretty much ANY conversation I have on there (there’s quite some data available). And it vexes me to no end. Seriously. This poor sentence, strung together as it is, enrages me so much that my brain is only willing to formulate THE most irrelevant, snide, cynical or stupid replies to (what I feel is) the most obvious question ever:
- ‘Wait. This is Tinder? I thought I was on the dark web, looking for a new slave!’
That ended in an immediate unmatch, guess it was the wrong answer.
- ‘Boreddom, just checking out what’s on the market’
This somehow always leads to a pouty ‘oh, so you don’t actually wanna hook up or meet someone then?!’ as if I’m committing a heinous crime, abusing Tinder for my own malicious purposes.
- ‘I’m looking for the best spot to purchase a new goldfish. Mine just escaped.’
Never actually used it, but still want to.
- ‘I’m hustling boys and selling raffle tickets for my softball-club’
Actually used, AND successfully so!
- ‘I have a serious sports injury and my physiotherapist suggested I practice the swipe-right motion for recovery-purposes. This seemed like a good place to get some practice’
Only got a ‘haha’, followed by a quick diversion to whether we should swap numbers so we could also swap pics of our genitals (you can assume correctly that I did not go for this ‘tempting’ offer)
- ‘I just ordered some IKEA furniture and I need someone to come build it for me’
Also actually used, and successfully so. Hell. That particular dude even stuck around for three months or so after.
Anyway, you catch my drift, right?
The question. Is. Lame.
Because when you’re on Tinder – you know why you’re on Tinder. They know why you’re on Tinder. Everyone you mention to that you’re on Tinder knows why you’re on Tinder. So honestly, WHAT answer ARE you expecting?
I guess it’s an easy conversation maker. And I suppose the generic answers would either hint towards being on Tinder for ‘fun’ or for ‘more’ (which is an important distinction to make if you’re a fuckboy trying to get laid, I suppose). But maaaaaan – can you uncover this crucial information a bit less auspiciously and generic?
These days, seeing as I’m in picky-as-fuck-and-not-really-interested mode anyway – I imagine myself sitting on the couch next to a big ole lever. With Tinder potentials popping up on the table in front of me, spinning in circles slowly so as to be assessed from all angles. Blurting out their boring lines and silly questions.
And when they opt for the ‘So, what are you looking for on Tinder?’ I PULL on that lever. A hatch opens. They disappear into the dark despairing depths of ‘the well of Tinder Fuckboys’ and all I hear is their elongated cry on the way down:
‘Buuuuuuttttttt IIIIIIIIIII waaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnteeeeeeeeeeddddddddd annnnnnn eaaaaaaaasyyyyyyyyyyy scoooooooooooooooreeeeeeeee, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’.
Extremely satisfying fantasy, to be frank. And a lot more imaginative than the general Tinder populace, sadly.
Up for some more Tinder Tales?
Tinder Tales – Picture Perfect
Tinder Tales – Virtually Unique
Tinder Tales – Why ARE we here?
Tinder Tales – Darn those algorithms!
Tinder Tales – Anal.
Tinder Tales – Picky
Tinder Tales – But what does it mean?!
Tinder Tales – The curious case of the neckbeard