Meditational Disaster

Please, on an average day – do NOT come and talk to me about the concept of ‘feeling’ energy. Or aura’s. Don’t preach to me about prayer, or mindfulness or *gasp* meditation. That whole floating bubble of illusion (or hallucinations), feelings and ‘getting in touch with your inner warrior’ is not my cuppa tea. At all. AT ALL. The most I’ll do is throw in a hefty facepalm and a breathless laughter at the sillyness of it all when it comes to me partaking in such things. I just….can’t.

If they work for you – have at it my dear lady (or sir). But that’s a boat I’m not getting on board of.

HOWEVER.
I AM the type of girl that says ‘I’ll try anything. Twice. (just in case the first time was a bust or a fluke, yaknow).’ So naturally, I HAVE downloaded a couple of those ‘breathing’ mindfulness-apps (turns out, I’m a pretty adequate breather on my own). Tried my hand at meditative yoga (which is not meant for hypermobile bodies, seeing as I’d have to re-insert my dislocated hip halfway through most sessions). AND turn up a ‘night sounds’ Spotify playlist to help soothe my nights (THAT actually works. Thank the lordy).

This playlist addiction came about after I discovered a guided meditation thingy on Youtube that I ACTUALLY connected to. One that describes visuals that I relate to and that has my imagination drifting off into a soothing sleep. Relaxing. Peaceful. Calming. UNTIL LAST NIGHT.

This dude is actually quite great, in other situations!

Imagine that it’s 3 a.m., after you’ve seen the clock turn to 1, and 2 and then 3, without your head seeming to be willing to make any attempt at dozing off (bastard!). Those are the times for desperate measures, so I got myself up out of bed and went and made some warm honeyed milk (that’s one of those inventions better than sliced bread) which I drank perched upside down on the couch, staring at the shiny balls on the Christmas tree (the world looks so different when you’re upside down, and I’m just weird like that). All good, so far.

Then all of a sudden it’s 3:30 and I figured that sleep is really a must-have if my brain has to actually work in the morning, so I hopped back up, discard the empty glass and scurried over to the toilet for a pre-bed visit (nothing sucks as much as having to get back up after you just buried yourself into a blanketnest).

BOOM. A male voice suddenly starts talking. In my man-less house. 3:30 in the morning. While I’m on a toilet in…not exactly a lot of clothing….ALONE. I don’t have to explain to you how my heart shot STRAIGHT into my throat. How I froze on the spot, panic gripping my heart and stealing my breath. Trying to figure out how to react, what to do, WHAT WAS HAPPENING. Fear striking in the most absolute of ways – nightmares coming true in front of my eyes. Ragged breaths, everything.

An adrenaline spike the likes of which has never been seen at this particular hour of night overcame me, and I was pondering if exiting a toilet, scantily clad, during a home invasion would be a smart move and whether I could get to my baseball bat in time. And just as I’d dedicated myself to that goal, the guy continued speaking:

Much of this meditation has to do with your subconscious mind.’

GODDAMMIT JASON.
Turns out that casually tossing your phone on the bed MIGHT (and will) pop up your Youtube to the ‘sweet soothing words’ of Jason unknowingly. Who WILL speak his sweet nothings and scare the LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of poor innocent girls with a bit of insomnia.

I’m pretty sure my towering adrenaline levels (and another 2 hours of not being able to sleep because of that) were NOT the goal of that particular guided meditation. Guess who’s getting deleted from my ‘play later’ Youtube list?!

Ps. Laughing is said to be healthy. Looking back on it now – I’m having a very very healthy day thanks to this nightly insanity. I’m such an idiot sometimes!

Pps. I’m SO TIRED OH MY GOD!

42 thoughts on “Meditational Disaster

      1. Christmas decorations year long – that’s so cool! Even though Christmas isn’t big in India – I LOVE CHRISTMAS (probably because I attended Catholic school!). Christmas = happiness (& mulled wine & cake & gifts). 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahaha, ROFL
        I completely understand your reluctance towards mind-foe-ness and other meditation.
        A lot of cardio exhaustion works for me.
        I wish you a goodnight this night !

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m with you on the meditation thing or lack there of because of being hypermobile. We toured a historic monastery once and after watching all those prayerful, meditative people, my wife commented that I was the person least cut out for living in a monastery that she knew.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry you did not sleep well. I am a total grouch when I don’t sleep. Ben has sometimes told me I need to go to bed because I did not sleep well the night before and he wants me to catch up on my ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZs and stop bickering about nothingness with him.

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Reminds me of my sulky vortex. A while back, I was mulling over some inspirationalish online spirituality, all about throwing your inner warrior into the cosmic vortex, so that the Universe could sort your wotsits out.

    Thing is, nobody ever told me I had a vortex.

    But sure enough, wobbly-headed and night-owled as I was, I heard the inner voice of the Universe: “Oh yeah, sure, I gave you a vortex ages ago. But you never used it, so now it’s busy hanging round street corners and getting into trouble.”
    So I went downstairs to check, had a quick scan down the road…

    and there it was – a vortex in a parka coat, standing sulkily on a street corner, sucking passers-by into its furry hood of doom.

    “Oy!” I said. “Stop sucking people into your fluffy hood of doom! It’s not funny and it’s not clever!”

    “It’s not fair! I hate you!” whined the little vortex, running off down the street. But I’m mindful of it now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. oh my god that happened to me too!! but it wasn’t as scary as yours. I was meditating and concentrating on the music and then I suddenly heard a male voice which shocked me and totally disrupted my meditation! It was kinda funny looking back at it now! Anyway, good story!

    Liked by 1 person

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