Lights: 1 – Zoë: 0

Today was going to be my day. Today was going to be my victory.
My coming of age as a strong, self-sufficient and capable woman.

It would mark my entrance into the world of crafty handymen and DIY-goddesses and bring about a new era of enlightenment. Or, at least, actual light.

Sadly, the fates saw differently fit;
Turns out – those two left hands I’ve always claimed to have: not a lie.
And Youtube tutorials on how to fix a ceiling lamp: pretty damn useless.
IKEA appliances: not exactly up for any ‘outstanding equipment awards’.

Because the grand total after a two hour fight to make this happen: One very sore ankle, two still tingly fingers, one very foul mood and 0 lamps attached to the ceiling.
Gawddammit. Plusside: my photo-gallery filled with snapshots to document my rise to power and to honor my victory…do help in telling my tale of woe.

Let me take you on a wild ride of Saturday chores; also known as the Epic Quest of Light Procurement.

TAUNTING ME FROM AFAR!

These two lonely bulbs in my hall and dressing room have been taunting me for well over three months now. As had the two lamps-that-I-intended-there glaring at me from their perch in the living room, every time I walked by.
He‘ had promised me. PROMISED ME several times in ‘the weeks before‘ to come fix them for me (pre-breakup). The fact that they’re still, as we speak (though in a much more unpacked status) on my dressoir indicates how well that promise stuck. Maybe I should’ve timed that break-up better. Or paid better attention while hanging the rest of ’em. Not that that knowledge is any good to me at this point in life, but yaknow. Captain Hindsight gotta make himself heard.

Lamps…tools…more lamps. What more could I possibly need. Except…yaknow…skills.

Well boo fucking hoo, I thought. ‘So fucking what, the big man is not going to come finish what he promised to start. Big effing surprise. But fuck that, I can totally do what any man can do. Yaknow what, I’ma hang these bitches myself.’ (yes, I’m very foulmouthed when talking to myself.). So off I went. I EVEN read the safety instructions on these damn KARWEI lamps (not just for picture value) to make sure I’d not end up killing myself. Only to still end up almost killing myself.

Turns out….that shirt print would be more aptly chosen than I’d thought. ‘I’m not angry. I’m dissappointed

There’s more challenges to hanging light fixtures than I’d bargained for. The men that hung the previous ones always made it seem so easy. That’s just a much a lie as people who can snowboard and tell the rest of the world that it’s totally doable. Or that claim parenting is a walk in the park. It isn’t. NONE OF IT IS, OK.

So I got up on a chair (strong, self-sufficient and capable women DON’T necessarily own any step stools or ladders. Just sayin’. Not a requirement). And fell down off of that chair trying to grab the drill from between my feet. Hence the painful ankle.

I grunted, got myself together and went in for try two after re-watching the Youtube tutorial for the fifth time. That’s what a real champion of home decorating would do, after all. I got this, I thought. Until my fingertip made contact with the exposed wiring right at the very second that I was considering whether or not I had turned off the light beforehand. I was pretty sure I had. The electric jolt that still has me slightly tingly was a pretty telling sign that I didn’t. It was only after I had found something cold for my ankle, and had some feeling return to my fingers that I figured a third attempt would be in order. With the light turned off. The drill within reach. And Youtube loudly singing me the song of light-installment.

It took four more rewatches and a very intense stare-sesh at my ceiling that I realized I did not have the required attachment points, nor thingamajigs to actually do the attaching to make this lamp business happen. Or well. Maybe I did. Actually. I probably did. But I gave up anyway because fucking lamps. Fuckers. They were just there smirking at me going ‘Not today. Missy. Not today. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! eh…hang.’

I am NOT meant for home improvement. Destruction? Sure. Hand me a sledge hammer and I’ll go to town. But lights? They’re going off my lists of ways-to-prove-I’m-a-strong-independent-woman. Lights: 1 – Me: 0.

Hope your Saturdays are going better.
At least I have snacks.

35 thoughts on “Lights: 1 – Zoë: 0

  1. I had many bloopers following YouTube tutorials on many things from baking to car repair, electricals included. Sometimes it works too… Lucky yours resulted only in some recoverable injuries and an enjoyable post, nothing more serious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 😂

    (Sorry (#notsorry), but you shouldn’t have written all this ‘lightbulb-tantrum’-thingies’ so delightfully funny: I couldn’t do anything else than actually depict the complete movie of you and ‘the stool’ and ‘the tools’: saw it right before my eyes) 👀 😁

    Like

  3. I’m sorry you lost your battle with the lights but thank you for making your loss so humorous 😆. I have had my battles with electricity ⚡️ and the scars that came from them. Maybe you should refer back to a comment I made in a previous post, something about a “Handyman Gigolo.”😂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha!

    “That’s just a much a lie as people who can snowboard and tell the rest of the world that it’s totally doable”

    Hahahaha 🤣.

    You need to discover the magic of floor lamps! Indirect lighting is so much better for the soul anyway 😄. Just stay away from electrics 😆. I’m impressed that you kept at it though even after the electric shock! I’d have stopped at that point, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. New day with new snacks.

    Let’s do this!

    1. Cut the power at the breaker box.

    2. Can you add another pic of light fixture showing the bottom side?

    Looks like a simple can style fixture.

    3. I believe there will be a metal mounting bracket that will mount to the recessed blue box. Would help to see the bottom side of the can light.

    4. Is the bulb pictured hanging from the socket -the bulb that was included with your new van style fixture?

    5. Can you share the link to the YouTube video?

    You got this! Let’s knock it out.

    Like

  6. Well yes, that certainly wasn’t lucky 🙇 And luck is left to chance while standing on chairs and reaching down for the tools 🙂 A steady ladder and a tool belt would be perfect for those occasional highs ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Currently after LOTS of deconstruction finally starting some actual fixing-upping. Have been tiling a bathroom with my boyfriend. Frankly, I don’t think it’s as hard as he makes it seem and would be fine doing it alone. Men are full of bravado and women are low-key just as good in home improvement if given some time to think 🙂 What he wasn’t wrong about though, and your story proves it: you always need to go to the hardware store one more trip than you would want. Sad but true. Have a re-run next Saturday, I’m sure you’ll nail it then!

    Like

    1. I think I would be a whole lot better at tiling than I would be at electrical things, actually!
      Painting walls also has never been a problem. And I’m a total IKEA furniture wiz. But if all goes well I found a crazy person to do it for me this Wednesday. So it should be fine!

      Like

  8. Thank God my Wife And Her Niece Can Fix it All
    Just Watched Them
    Re-Caulk And Paint
    All Around my Home
    All i Did was
    Talk every
    Once in a
    While they
    Nodded their
    Head my Wife
    The Perfectionist
    Is still inspecting
    Every Square
    Inch… She
    Doesn’t Look
    Like A Handy
    Man But Hands
    On Woman She Is😁

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am not meant for home improvement either. We painted our bedroom during lockdown and the parts I did… well if anyone were to ever ask about the state of the skirting boards, I’ll just say I let our 4 year old help 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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