Sucker for an audience.

I love watching and commenting on things. Snippy, witty (or snide) remarks followed by random factoids or weird additions. Silly observations or judgments clad in (dark) humor and wrapped in ‘oh but I’m a girl so that obviously wasn’t meant TOO mean‘.

Whether it’s a sportsgame or people passing by while perched on a safe vantage point at some bar or restaurant. Whether it’s a series on tv or fellow beachgoers on vacation. I observe, judge and comment. It’s the greatest of pass-times. (And one of my nastiest qualities-turned-vices, some might argue).

Especially when there’s an audience. Not just because talking to yourself seems pretty weird even in these Coronapocalyptic times – but because jokes are only that if there’s someone laughing at them. Until that point…they’re just remarks, falling flat.

And there’s nothing that I love more than a ‘secret‘ audience. When you’re at a game and see someone else pick up your conversation and tune in. When they move ever so slightly to catch more of your words and turn their head to offer you their ear. When you grab their attention even though they’re pretending to focus elsewhere.

I’ve always been hyper sensitive to people in my close proximity and their physical responses on my presence. I always know when they know I’m there (and though I can’t pick up a genuine act of flirting for the life of me in a conversation – I can judge physical interest from a body a mile away). And love to see how far I can take that ‘connection‘.

I swear there’s a performer inside of me somewhere that literally rejoices at those moments. YAY I’m being heard! And then ups the ante.

I’ll subconsciously start talking a little louder (which my friends in high school never failed to let me know – especially when that happened in the vicinity of my highschool crush…AWKWARD). Add some extra ‘funny’ or depth or harshness to my statements. Increase my gestures. You catch my drift.

I work for that hidden response in those who are pretending not to be taking part in my oration. That slight twitch in the shoulders when they try to keep down that snorted exhale. That glimmer of a smirk, on the corner of a lip, perfectly timed with the clou of a joke. That surprised swish around of the head when you say something particularly raunchy and they just HAVE to turn around and see who’s talking. That ‘hey this is awkward because I’ve been listening for ten minutes but I just HAVE to reply to what you just said’ pained comment. I friggin love luring them in.

It’s an addiction.

I’m a sucker for an audience.

17 thoughts on “Sucker for an audience.

  1. This leaves me conflicted, honestly. Because I *thought* I didn’t like people who were like this. I dislike performances, generally viewing them as ‘fake’. Give me a hour’s heart-to-heart with someone being open and vulnerable, versus having my attention stolen for 5 minutes by someone looking for attention. And yet…

    I do seem to like you. This puzzles me. Yes, there’s a lot about you which is truly exceptional, remarkable and special… but… I’m worried I’ve done the thing again that I sometimes do… childishly get all giddy and excited about something/someone new & exciting & shiny & fun… only later to realise I’d filled in 90%+ of the picture with my own projections and childish wishes.

    There’s tension that’s entered our brand new friendship in the last 48 hours, and I’m not sure what to do with it. If I had your email address, I’d have written to you. But then I tangled myself up in layers of “but will she think this…?” and “am I acting inappropriately for a married man?”

    I get a slight feeling I’m a tiny fly that’s got itself tangled in a spider’s web. I’m outclassed, out-thought, out-manoeuvred, and possibly about to be eaten. But then, when a sailor is about to drive his ship onto the rocks due to the mermaid’s sweet calls, it can seem like the happiest moment of his life, right before his death.

    I don’t wish to hurt or offend. I’m just being honest. Maybe too much. Already our budding friendship feels scary and complicated and I’m not sure what to do with it. This is more my fault than yours, I’m sure – the curse of having a brain like mine.

    Probably the best thing for me to do is just calm down and relax. When the spider bites the head off the fly, it’s the sweetest embrace…

    Like

    1. I do hope that you find that calmness and relaxation :).

      The only web I weave is exactly that which (I feel) is plain to see here, in every of my writings and in any ‘performance’ I give in the outside world.
      They’re exaggerated, a tad heavy on dramatics but never fake and always undeniably me, regardless of how you fill in the blanks you perceive.

      I am always ever just who I am. Sorry you feel so conflicted about that 🙂
      But if one ill-received comment and one un-liked post equals ‘tension’ and internal unpleasantness – that is not a great place to be in. Hope you find a better one soon 😇

      Liked by 1 person

  2. While I hate human interaction, I actually think I’m a sucker for audience too. Maybe that’s why I write. Maybe that’s why I enjoy public speaking, even though my one-on-one skills are lacking. Maybe. Thanks for this!

    Liked by 1 person

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    Like

  4. As to that commenting on everything, I can’t keep my mouth shut either, watching something on television. I have this urge for additional subtitling. It’s an effective way to annoy your friends… 🤣

    Like

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