There’s still a lot of times each week that I get a sharp little ping that reminds me that I’m (still) not over ‘it’. A nasty little jab, a painful tiny sting, a searing jolt in the side – just to remind me there’s still a world of hurt right there, in plain sight. And it frustrates the crap out of me, because if there’s one thing I crave it’s getting fucking over it.
I say ‘getting over it‘ very consciously. The it in that sentence is key. These past three months have been centered around healing up a hole that was left. Not by him – but by who I was when we were together. Healing me – not the remnants of us.
Getting over him was easy – in that regard. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t even be able to remember his voice or recollect his face anymore. That part’s just gone. The memory of his hands on my body, feeling his or any recollection of the talks we had? Missing. And rightfully so.
Cutting him from my life was as easy as the other guys that disappeared that same way. One, two *snip* and the effects are pretty simple. His being no longer takes up space in my brain. He made sure of that in the way we had it end. And that has definitely made things easier.
What remains, however, is the ‘it’ I HAVEN’T yet gotten over. And that’s proving to be a right bitch to take care of.
‘It’ is losing that feeling of being entirely satisfied and whole in the presence of another human being. ‘It’ is no longer effortlessly feeling amazing, beautiful, skilled and worthy all at the same time – in the eyes of another. ‘It’ is the strength to be able to make bold choices in the knowledge of anothers support and finding solutions knowing you’ll have someone there to help make them happen. ‘It’ is the loss of experiencing the freedom to give in to all the important bits, be they sexual, spiritual, professional or omnomnomingal without judgment or remorse.
‘It’ is an end to being the best person I ever thought I was in the best time I ever had in the best place I’ve ever been. And that ‘it’ has proven a tough loss to take.
Especially since I, to this day, still feel the stupidity of that year weigh me down. Knowing that it was me, putting that sort of power in the hands of another. To give someone else so much rule over who I could be and then be surprised when it was easily taken away. Mercilessly.
So when I say I still struggle – there is no longer any ‘him‘ in that equation. All I need to figure out is how to get over ‘it‘. And with getting over it – I mean getting all of those good things back WITHOUT having a simple and unavailable person attached to making those positives happen. I need to get my own ‘it’ to replace the ‘it’ that was lost.
And though that’s been continuously hurting, and proving to be impossibly hard to do – it’s bound to be THE way forward. Because once I have that ‘it’ taken care of – I’ll end up being enough for me. By myself And that’s when I’ll be able to find room for another.
God. That sounded way too wise and pretentious. I just gotta get over it. Period.