Deal-breakers. Questionmark.

No more tree date for me. Shocker.

I’m not expecting to hear any gasps of surprise. Shocker number two.

That fact has me both a bit annoyed and saddened, I guess. Plus, a little on the fence about whether I should even write this post, considering who might be reading along. But then I figure it’s my blog, my life and my choice. Plus…opening this blog, reading and well – hanging out with me – is always at your own risk anyway. You’re a personal blogger or you aren’t. Welcome to my life.

Although. Maybe I should get a recorded message. And sign:
‘This interaction may be monitored or recorded for blogging and complaining purposes.’

The cancellation

The thing about first dates, especially ones ‘out of the ordinary‘ is that they’re under strict scrutiny. Getting out of a comfort zone alone is already hard. Any strains on that already difficult pattern might become sudden deal-breakers. Plus, we women are hysteric creatures. Whimsical. Mean. And unpredictably fussy, after all.
I mean, there’s a boatload of reasons a guy can crash and burn in that precarious period leading up to a date, especially when talking to me. Hell. I could find a turn-off in a miss-placed syllable if I was in the mind to do so. (And let’s face it. I’ve probably been in the mind to do so quite permanently lately. Fucking heartbreaks.).

So when a potential date (however epically arranged) manages to take a week of (quite regular) chatting to get to a casual truthbomb like:
‘Oh. Btw. How do you feel about men with a kid?’
That is not my preferred way to introduce the fact that you….TADA SURPRISE SURPRISE…have one. And well. The ‘I didn’t think that was something to bring up right away…‘ follow-up didn’t really improve matters on my account either.

Cause ehm…having a kid? That’s kind of something you mention straight away. In my eyes, anyway. Or, at least, before we get to talking about hobbies, or how you spend your weekends or what foods you like to eat. If you ask me.

Not that it made the talks any less fun. Or the fact that I actually had the balls to go for something like this any less awesome. It just made this whole thing into a whole mess of factors (unlikely matchup, 90 minute travel distance, baby drama, breakup whatevers) totalling up to a cancellation on my part. I’m actually guessing that this dude in question dodged more of a bullet than I did. Probably. Hell. Maybe I should take my own hints more often and believe myself when I tell myself to get out of the game.

But…

It did make me wonder about deal-breakers in general.

Because when they save love makes blind – they fucking mean it. It does. Nothing else matters when the heart gets involved. But we still spend a whole lotta time painting that perfect picture so we know what we’re after. Only to then disregard it completely. We’re fucked up creatures like that.

For instance: Beards have always been a hard no for me. Yet I’ve dated men with beards. Careers have always mattered to me. Yet I’ve dated both unambitious and unemployed fellas. Babies have always been the epitome of ‘GET THEM AWAY FROM ME‘ and yet I even considered growing old with a guy that just produced twins.
Why didn’t those deal-breakers break those deals?
(And why did the things that did?)

And in that reasoning, could there have been situations where this sudden burst of information from treedate would have been timed correctly, or acceptable?
Is the fact that I’m not ok with it now something to put on my conto instead of his, tying in to my commitment, readiness and attraction? Damn. Is this where I ACTUALLY get to say the line ‘It’s not you….it’s me?!‘ and not be lying?

What if ‘deal-breakers‘ are only deal-breakers when we’re already looking for reasons to back out of something. What if success is already determined way before we even start adding up the pros and the cons? What if starsigns ARE the determining factor and he was a Gemini to my Cancer and the universe was pitted against us from the get-go?

Or what if I’m just a monster?

Why do we even bother listing our preferences and turn-offs ahead of time, if they’re completely separate from our actions. And if they aren’t – why do we overlook them so very often still?

What’s the deal with deal-breakers. I don’t get it anymore.

19 thoughts on “Deal-breakers. Questionmark.

  1. Misschien is het gewoon nog niet de juiste tijd voor jou. Misschien leg je er wel teveel druk op voor jezelf. Het is iig goed dat je jezelf beseft dat bepaalde “eisen” ook maar gewoon flexibel zijn als je de juiste tegenkomt.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear😂I don’t know why we have deal-breakers because at first I am such a smug with all the criteria’s I want in a guy and then do the actual opposite..

    P.S beard is my first priority (is it vain😂😂) Great read btw💜 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re not a monster, you’re monstrously amazing, beautiful and funny!

    My serious explanation for all this is that these decisions are made by our unconscious, way before our conscious mind has had a chance to catch up. There could be all manner of little things we (our unconscious mind) like or dislike, and yet consciously we’re be completely unaware of them… not until much later anyway.

    Tiny things like the way they smile, or the way their hair lies, or even their scent. These things make huge differences!

    Having said that, you do still need to have your checklist of “must haves” and dealbreakers. Even if you end up not having any of the must haves and feel happy with dealbreakers which exist and yet don’t break the deal.

    Dating is a merciless bloodbath. I don’t envy you. But it’s worth continuing to try, to keep putting yourself out there and meeting new people. And I might be saying that selfishly because I love reading about your adventures so much.

    Please keep dating (and writing). I don’t care about you, I just love you for your writing 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re completely right on this one: “Nothing else matters when the heart gets involved.” Trust your gut-feeling, listen to your heart. It does not always ‘warn’ you for The Other (who indeed might be a monster) but it primarily is there to protect YOU!

    Like: if you’re not ready yourself. Listen to the song you hear in your head, listen to what your heart is trying to tell you. At least: that’s what I’ve learned.

    You might the ‘chasing’ the right dream and even the right person, but simply not at the right time. And your ‘unconscious’ is very conscious of it. It warns you. Because it loves you more than anything else. It’s There to protect you. Simple as that. Accept it.

    One day you’ll be over this and when you’re really ready, you will find that “Nothing else matters when the heart gets involved.” No obstruction or emergency-brakes. You can follow your dream … and feel free as a bird …

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So much to potentially comment on, and unlike last night with my Jurassic Park quote, I’m actually awake enough for something more than bad humor, lol.

    Let’s deal with the easy one first; IIRC it was Francis Barrett, author of ‘The Magus’ who said “The stars may influence, but they don’t control”. At worst, clashing star signs may mean a relationship requires a little extra work. That’s as far as I’ll go discussing metaphysics. 🙂 It weirds people out, lol.

    If we’re honest, the trouble with deal breakers is that they’re often arbitrary, and have ZERO to do with what kind of a person that other man or woman is. Kids are so often an automatic deal breaker (to use your example) that single parents feel they won’t get considered at all if they reveal kids up front. Kids may not be the best example of an arbitrary red flag, but ideally they should be a “proceed with caution” until there’s a chance to see if the kids are well behaved and accepting, and the ex isn’t a total psycho also, etc… at least in an ideal world.

    OK, so truly arbitrary… Well, there was the beard thing mentioned. What if that guy was absolutely perfect… EVERYTHING the girl looking at his dating profile could want, but they just swiped left immediately because of a beard or lack there of?

    Other real common ones; women refusing to date anyone below a certain height. Looking good next to him in heels is more important than his character. Then there’s the boob size thing for guys too. I did a post on that in my adult blog. *headdesk* Boob size has ZERO to do with a woman’s character or even how good she is in bed.

    Ultimately, nobody is going to be PERFECT either, so we owe it to ourselves to really consider how much an odd habit like being a clean freak is a problem. I suppose the closest thing to an ideal answer with the odd quirk like that is that it depends on how far they carry it.

    The best dating advice I could give you is simply not to stress over it so much. If we put it in metaphysical terms, it makes you send out needy vibes that attract all the wrong people. You’re totally gorgeous, and based on your writing, you’re intelligent as well. Just relax and have faith that the right one will come along, most likely when you least expect it too. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. When I’d been single for a while (read years 😂) going on shite date after shite date, my friend told me to write down my ideal partner. BUT I wasnt allowed to write down looks, circumstance (aka child, job etc). I had to focus on personality traits, so kind, trustworthy, likes the outdoors.
    It was completely different to my “dealbreakers”.
    I did it in the September and forgot about it.
    In March the following year I met my husband. He had a kid and a nasty divorce going through. I’d have normally ran a mile, but he really made me laugh on the phone and I was touched when he booked the day off work to be with me after my granddads funeral for the 2nd date. We went hiking.
    About 6 months in I found the list in my bedside drawer. He ticked every box. So I think deal breakers are important or at least partner aspirations, but it’s how you perceive them and what they are.
    Love JS ♡
    Ps he has a beard. I hated beards too 😂🤦‍♀️

    Liked by 2 people

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