Every week I seem to have this moment where I figure ‘I’m totally ready to start dating again’. Usually somewhere around the Wednesdays that used to be date-night. Or the empty Saturdays that make up the weekend and are now mostly filled with..working (fuck, I’m a workaholic).
My heart and brain are still divided as to this topic, but sometimes the brain (who wants me to not end up alone, dead in a house for three weeks, being eaten by my cats) wins and I almost believe myself in that ‘ready, set, go‘ kind of way. These moments are usually followed by me (re-)opening Tinder (or in most cases, re-installing it after deleting it in frustration from last attempts) or starting up a profile on some dating site or other.
The latter I do mostly because I FUCKING LOVE writing dating profiles. Not just for myself, mind you, I’ve written quite a bunch of profile texts in the past, much to the liking of their owners. It’s hella fun, writing that sales-pitch, finding the things that make you you AND attractive. Figuring out what is and isn’t a red flag to mention and wording everything in a delightful package that just deserves a message from a prospect amorous candidate. It’s fun. The actual replying, filtering and getting-to-a-date-part…not so much. Because as soon as I get to that point, I realize that brain has been bullshitting me and that dating is definitely not really back on the menu. Yet. If ever. Who knows.
Almost as soon as I open Tinder, or receive a reply on whatever profile I have made – the dating-fatigue strikes these days. It’s like I just can’t be bothered getting to know a new person. Finding out their likes and dislikes. What makes them tick, or explode (always good to know). Discovering what makes them weird, although preferably not serial killer kind of weird. Deciding whether or not they’re worth getting your ass off the couch for to…-gasp- go on a date. (They’re usually not).
Because as soon as a message chimes I’m already finding reasons not to. Their pictures suddenly are not as appealing. They made a typo in that sixth message. Whatever, there’s a plethora of reasons to go for. I’ve already got a stack of no-no’s way before we even get halfway into a conversation. Just looking for exit options that ARE acceptable reasonings as to why I lost interest.
Lucky for me – most guys in the dating pool at my age have PLENTY of other turn-offs. Which, to them (sadly) are (apparently) totally acceptable ‘quirks‘ or ‘parts of the package deal‘.
And that is FINE.
It’s ok when you’re awesomely happy with who you are. And it’s just dandy when you’re pleased with how your life is going. And it’s totally great that you accept those things about yourself, and feel comfortable enough to share them with your wife-to-be in the first five messages you exchange with them. There’s DEFINITELY something to be said for that type of honesty. But what it doesn’t (and this is where it often goes wrong) mean is that I – me, moi, the person you’re tryin’ to seduce – am then suddenly obliged to ALSO accept this about you and remain interested regardless ‘because I’m supposed to be open-minded‘.
Whether it’s the fact that you’re already in a committed relationship (be it with your girlfriend, dog or grandma) and think that’s not an issue. Or if you still live at home (or just moved back in with the parents after your marriage (!!) perished at age 30 (shocker!)) with the fam and are having the time of your life. Whether you’ve been ‘off the job‘ for a year or two now because you have to discover what you really want in life and want to…you know…travel and stuff. Or…and this ACTUALLY HAPPENED LAST WEEK: Whether you just got out of prison for hijacking cars across the Belgian border, while your family had the entire police force looking for you because they thought you were missing or hurt, but are now totally ready to resume dating with someone who won’t judge you for your ‘youthful mistake‘ – is UTTERLY AND TOTALLY up to you. But I am in no way forced into ‘just trying and seeing what happens‘, which in their words is something I should totally always do, regardless of my feelings. And to me is just complete insanity.
(Seriously…this last dude was like ‘just in case you Google my name…this is the story’, which mostly made me wonder whether I should actually be Googling more of the people I’m talking to, as the naive girl that I apparently am, never having Googled Tinder candidates before….)
Plus. If I indicate that these truths you share about yourself are a dealbreaker for me – that is NOT the point to fly off into a rage on how that is unfair behavior and how I should appreciate your approach and henceforth go on a date regardless of personal preference. Just as a reward for being an upfront and honest person. That is not how dating works. Like. At all. And that – is frustrating to the fucking max, if you know what I mean. I have better things to do than spend precious time explaining to nutcases that they’re…well…nuts for a reason.
On the whole it just takes a whole lotta effort to stay nice and polite to people who think they’re still in the running for first place while they were never actually even IN the race. And when ‘doing the dating thing‘ becomes a chore and telling them ‘no‘ becomes an inconvenient truth – it’s probably easier to not even venture onto the playing field. Right? Which, in and of itself – is also an inconvenient truth. Descent into loneliness incoming.
I think it’s about time they just implement Thuisbezorgd for soulmates. Where you can order a perfect match whenever you’re in need. Elon Musk, get on this, please.