Return to self

I threw out a tub of butter today.
His‘ butter.

We both favored different brands of margarine enough for me to compromise and just buy my own brand AND his to stop the complaints. So we each had our own tub of butter in my fridge. Me and the ex.

And as mine ran out last week – I was confronted with ‘his‘ as it was hiding in the farmost corner of the topshelf where I wouldn’t constantly stare at it. It’s silly how something as innocent as that can conjure up a boatload of pain and memories, unwantedly.

I am not a wasteful person. I don’t just throw out food or useful things lightly. But today I threw out that tub of butter. And claimed it as a victory.

Just as last week I found myself playing and replaying Miley Cyrus at the VMAs last year.
A performance I shared with the ex and that became ours in a shared love for raw beauty in songs. Without wanting to smash my phone screen or break something more precious.

More and more of these wins pop up every day. I find myself wearing the lingerie again that I’d banished because it was his favorite, without wanting to put it through a shredder. Put the heels back on that made him drool without any urges to gauge out some eyes. Drive past the exit to his house without descending in despair and visit ‘our’ McDonald’s with more love for the nuggets than pain over him.

It’s a return to self. And a welcome change.
Too bad I now have to eat my late night Nutella sandwich without butter. Guess I’ll be getting a new tub tomorrow.

4 thoughts on “Return to self

  1. Small steps when you are trying to heal from a relationship gone bad. Moving on isn’t that easy, a change of pace, doing new stuff, making new memories where he is not involved. Remember: he wasn’t worth the effort and you can do better. HEAL!!!

    Like

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