People are so intensely adorably curious when it comes to my single-ness. Or. Let me specify.
People, utterly ‘together’ in delicious relationships for decades of interpersonal fun and no outlook on ever doing the ‘single’ thing again – are HORRIBLY curious about the flaming pile of despair that is the world of dating in our current age. AKA: Tinder. It’s like looking at a train wreck. You don’t really wanna see what’s going on, but you can’t look away.
They want the inside scoop. The gooey details. The nasty stories. They want to know the ins and outs of toyboy profiles and fuckboi pictures and the war-tales of my quest for true love. And I – I will deliver.
In today’s Tinder tales I shall take you by the hand and divulge to you as a reader the treasures you might find when you use this swipey app of awesomeness. Because men – as it turns out….’have very singular tastes’. Which translates to them all having, in ever so slight variations….the same Tinder profile. They have the same (type of) pictures. The same sorts of wordings. The same types of ‘pick-up lines’. And as that topic altogether is way too fun to cover in just one blog – I’ll make this into a couple, neatly sorted by topic. Which brings us, in this first edition….to…..dundundun….PICTURES.
Tinder pictures on guys profiles are a sight to behold. Although, in a way, I suppose. Sometimes. Because a terrifyingly high amount of blokes have a picture (because more than one would be silly, right?) on their profile that is SO VERY PIXELATED that it feels like one of those ‘are you a robot’ Google Maps search-squares. ‘Are there people in this picture – click the pictures with men in them to enter the website’.
Although, a lot of boys don’t even take the trouble to actually put up a picture of themselves. There’s a glorious array of guys with memes, puppies, ‘hot’ cars, collages, fancy watches, fifty shades of grey-esque ads or their girlfriends (!!!) as a profile picture that make you wonder as to whether they understand that they’re on a dating site – we’re here for you bubba, not your goldfish!
But, assuming that they DO have a picture and you CAN discern a human entity on them – they come in a staggeringly weird couple of ‘standard’ settings. Because men apparently only take pictures of themselves when they’re:
– In an elevator
(WHAT is the magical attraction to these full-length mirrors? You can purchase one for your house!).
– Holding a fish
(I swear, I barely know anyone who actually fishes, yet all of you have? WEIRD!).
– Partying shirtless at some festival or other
(most often with a torso that is not shirtless-ness-proof)
– Surfing/on a motorcycle/(viking)running/in cycle or snowboard gear or in otherwise unrecognizable getups that are not necessarily attractive
(I guess your theory must be that if I’ve seen you at your worst…that makes sense…in a way?)
– ‘Where’s Waldo’-ing in group-pictures
(You never know what you’re gonna get till it’s too late, right?)
– Holding children
(that they immediately disown in their profile texts as ‘not my kid!!!!!’)
– Cuddling dogs (or tigers/snakes/alligators/kittens) so intensely that you instantly wonder if they can ever love you the same
(if they’re your boo already, how can I be?)
– In the gym
(We get it, you work out. But you’re not exactly getting great results, lemme tell ya. I like my men people shaped, not square).
– In bed
(that just really tells me I don’t wanna be waking up next to ya)
– Scarcely clad (and usually faceless) in some compromising positions that are just on the verge of not-bannable
(I kinda like my men to be more than just a body. Usually. Wait. Who am I kidding?)
I could go on about the perks (there are none) of pictures with sunglasses. Or in Jacuzzis. On top of some mountain or at the edge of Machu Picchu. But in general – there’s a certain lack of originality (that I can’t blame anyone for) that (after an hour of swiping) meshes up all faces into an undiscernible mass of boy-ness.
All of this leads to the so-called (by me) ‘Tinder hangover’. That moment the day after heftily Tindering that you look at your ‘new’ matches and just wonder ‘WTF WAS I THINKING?!’. It’s rarely a success. Because honestly, when they say pictures say more than a 1000 words – they’re definitely not talking about Tinder. But that doesn’t make swiping and laughing any less fun. Just a bit predictable. And lets be honest, my profile pics aren’t going to be winning any awards either, so can I really blame em?
In the end it’s no more than a wet T-shirt contest minus the hot girls and white shirts. A line-up of flesh to be judged merely on its merits. And that’s alright. Because it’s fucking Tinder. Or Tinder is for fucking? I get them mixed up. Oops.
Up for some more Tinder Tales?
Tinder Tales – Picture Perfect
Tinder Tales – Virtually Unique
Tinder Tales – Why ARE we here?
Tinder Tales – Darn those algorithms!
Tinder Tales – Anal.
Tinder Tales – Picky
Tinder Tales – But what does it mean?!
Tinder Tales – The curious case of the neckbeard