Anyone that’s known me for longer than 5 minutes will have no problems telling you whether I’m a glass half-full or half-empty kind of girl. And while I personally like to call my deep seated pessimism a realistic outlook on life, the only realistic answer is that I’m a doomthinker deluxe.
I have a knack for thinking up the worst scenario’s for pretty much anything. From simple things like trips to the supermarket (what if there’s like…nothing of anything I like left anymore ever? What if they don’t have -gasp- WINE?!) to opening up one’s heart and soul to another person (because they’re sure as fuck gonna crush what little remains of those two in the most incredibly painful ways anyway ((see? pessimist AND drama queen all rolled into one))).
So when the current weather conditions (extremely hot AND humid) turned my Limburgian return trip into a textbook horror movie with sudden onset fog rolling in in thick impenetrable waves – I saw the world ending in front of my eyes. Without actually seeing it, yaknow, because fog. The thing is…after that initial shock….the pessimist in me got served today.
So here’s the thing. I’m extremely trained in assuming the worst. So when I’m sitting in a car, driving at a speed perfectly around the speed limit (I would neeeeeever drive 30kms over the allowed 100. Never.) and see a wall of fog suddenly appear in front of me – my mind derails.
What if I drive into it and there’s a pile-up of cars and I crash into them and burn? Unpleasant!
What if I drive into it and it turns out to be poisonous fog emitted from a radioactive plant in the vicinity and my skin melts off? Very unpleasant!
What if I drive into it and it turns out to be hiding a horde of brain-eating zombies? Damn fucking unpleasant!!
Or EVEN worse…
What if I drive into it and the humidity gets its soggy foggy little hands on me and my hair decides to go POOF – full frizz mode – and I turn up looking like an exploded poodle?! Soulcrushingly unpleasant! (#priorities)
All of these thoughts crossed my mind in the mere 300 metres I had before diving into that bank of mist. And then…absolutely nothing happened. Because as thick as that mist had seemed, as soon as my car wooshed into it – my vision barely even took a tickle. I could still see perfectly. There were no car-wrecks, zombies or disintegrating humans. Slightly disappointing in an ‘YAY ADVENTURE kind of way‘ but still a way more pleasant outcome than my brain had already conjured up (even though all oxygen seemed to have taken a sudden vacation and breathing became a challenge),
Can you see the metaphor for my life yet?
Every day I spend luring bears onto roads as excuses not to have to take them. Because if I can see bears on them roads, I best not be trying my hands on routes that could possibly lead into the bone-crushing hug of a grizzly, right?
Think it’s time to try a new hobby or sport? Gotta spend some time convincing myself of all the things I might break around me (or on my own body) and convince myself I best not start if I’m gonna suck at it anyway.
Feel I need to learn something new about something interesting? Best talk myself out of it, because what if I can’t pick it up fast enough and people are going to laugh at my incapability of learning?
Find a person I like? Best think up 300 different reasons why we’ll never work out. And why bother really giving something a shot if it’s doomed already?
Plus, if you KNOW you lured the bears there and KNOW they exist, it’s way too easy to actually bump into them if you go looking. It’s a classical case of self-fulfilling prophecies, in all the ways you don’t want them to come true.
Yet, a bit of (really really) innocent fog taught me today that this attitude might just be stopping myself from getting to the home I really want to be getting to. Because if I just keep my foot on the pedal and dive straight in – things might turn out just as clear as they were before my mind got involved. And way easier than overthinking could ever achieve. Although…honestly….I still look like an exploded poodle. Poof. There. I said it.