The heart and brain have a tendency of pulling a person in different directions. More often than not, these directions also happen to be entirely opposite to each other – just to make it ‘easier’. Trying to rationalize matters of the heart is nigh impossible – and putting your heart in things that don’t rationally hold any value is to be avoided. Yet somehow…I don’t. We don’t. People don’t.
My heart and brain are currently usually bouncing around on the road of reflection that should (hopefully) lead to love. They’re bickering in fiery discussions and they’re both trying to get their point across and decide directions. But, as usual, they’re quite oppositely positioned. Gruesome for mental stability, let me tell you.
Loving isolation is a blessing
I am a very private person. Sort of. You might find that hard to believe, considering the amount of ‘sharing’ I do on a blog like this – but I am. I tend to keep things close to my heart and I swear I’ll one day end up as a crazy hermit on a mountain, talking to goats and weasels and collecting pine cones to adorn my cabin with while chewing on some bay leaves. I like being alone. Or being alone together. Things are easy for me when I’m in environments that I consider safe, where I’m not (over)compensating or overthinking for flaws and problems and the things other people do (or don’t do).
I’m more fun to be around in private – and I find interacting with people a whole lot easier when there’s not an entire world looking in. Rationally, I know that staying in and around the house is my preferred mode of existing. Man, I can’t even count the times that I’ve said that I’d love to just leave altogether and move to an uninhabited island (with WiFi) and just POOF. Or the times that I’ve told (or been told by) partners that being together would be so much easier if the world could just disappear. Hell – during my breakup I think I even literally said the line ‘I know we’d grow grey and old together if it would have been just us in the world. Not a single doubt in my mind.’ At that point there really was nothing I wanted more than to live in a dystopian universe like ‘I am Legend’ where all we’d have to consider is each other. But then the heart comes into play.
Loving in private is a curse
I hate being loved only in private.
I hate having to hide my feelings and/or connections from the world and feeling like I’m only good enough to be around when nobody is watching.
I hate the fact that all I ever seem to inspire in people is the need to be with me in the safety of my lair – until we pull the front door closed behind us and the world suddenly becomes more important in every regard.
Yet all I seem to do is create exactly that situation in my own life. I think (not counting some parties that we would’ve also separately attended) that me and the ex ‘went out’ no more than 10 times in the year we were together. The rest of our time was spent inside the house (with or without some additional friends). And the ones before that? Rarely saw the light of day.
It must have something to do with Self-worth and choices, I wager. So I know that a lot of that ‘pain’ is self-inflicted. My choices in men (who are more often than not taken/unavailable in one way or another) dictate that a lot of my ‘love interests’ are banished into the shadows and the confines of my house. And as much as I know that I LIKE being in the house WITH these people – I hate that the choice to do so is often not in my hands.
The romantic in me cringes when I have to tell myself not to stare in public. Or that I can’t make googly eyes at the one I like. The romantic in me cries when I have to keep my hands to myself in order to avoid other people knowing or judging or becoming unhappy. The romantic in me cringes when I’m told we’re staying indoors, when all I want for them to do is be proud of the fact that they’re mine. Or I’m theirs. When frankly all I want is for them to show me off, to show ‘us’ off. For them to want to take my arm and present me to the world as theirs and only theirs. For them to want to explore places together and rub our love in the faces of anyone we meet. I want to be ‘that’ couple that is so nauseatingly sweet, so entwined in each other, so devoted to their love that people can barely stand to be around them.
Yet all I tend to go for is someone who drops in and out of my life at the threshold of my front door. Where our ‘world’ starts and ends at that block of wood. And honestly – sometimes that is just all you have room for in your heart anyway. Which in and of itself is not necessarily a problem because, once more, I LOVE being alone together.. I just want to have the choice to allow the world in too.
But if I really want to have a chance of venturing out into the world together – I’ll have to find and allow in people who have room for me in theirs..
And then there’s the brain-heart divide again. That crossroads of smart versus easy love. Because Heart always seems to go for the ones that Brain knows I can’t (really) have but are so so easy to be with. And, somehow, consistently manages to win these battles. So I keep finding myself on the roads that Brain knows I have to avoid, while Heart is enjoying itself too much to see the burning pit of despair at the end of the it.
Guess I don’t just need a book on selfworth-for-dummies. I also need a map.